Tuesday, July 2, 2013

There Will Be Days You Don't Think You Can Run a Marathon

Two days ago, I signed up to run my second marathon.  I am still working my way back from an injury in May, and the combination of asthma and humid weather has not boosted my confidence in my ability to run.  So yesterday morning, I already began doubting my decision and if I could really pull this thing off – for the second time this year.  Will it just be “too much”?

As I continued cleaning through old papers, I came across the program from the marathon I ran in March.  I was about to toss it, when I realized it had a calendar within, and I thought one of the girls may want it.  Then I noticed the inspirational quotes.

“There will be days you don’t think you can run a marathon. There will be a lifetime of knowing you have.” – Unknown

Just what I needed to hear.  So, I took a break from cleaning, and went out for a short 3 mile run.  When I run, my thoughts become clearer.  I sort out my questions and fears.  Again, just what I needed and one of the many reasons I love to run.

I started thinking about how far I had come since I began running just over 2 years ago.  It is easy to focus on my weaknesses, to get depressed and doubt my abilities.  But then, I remember this…in my weakness, He is made strong.  When I run, I don’t focus on my weakness, but on my strength in Him, who provides all the strength I need (Phil. 4:13).  And strength not only to run, but to “do life” – everything He has called me to do, He will provide the strength to do it.

The accomplishment of running a marathon will last beyond this year.  Whenever I encounter hard times, I can draw strength from knowing that He pulls me through – He always has.  Sure, it won’t be easy.  I’ll have to train through muggy weather, and plan long runs around our busy schedule.  I'll have to get up early and say "no" to late night fun with friends. But if it was easy, everyone would do it.  If it was easy, the joy at the end would not be as sweet.  And so I am reminded of another favorite quote: “I didn’t ask for easy. I asked for possible.”  And through Him who gives me strength, ALL things are possible!! 


There are many days I don’t think I can run a marathon.  Many days I don’t believe I have actually done it before.  Many days I doubt; I fear.  Many days I feel weak.  Those are the days my focus is on ME.  Those are the days I need to lace up, get out there, and change my focus to HIM.  Many days I don’t feel like running, but I do it anyway.  And I never regret it.



Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Being A Mom

I really had no idea what I was in for.  I mean, sure, I had been longing to be pregnant – for over 2 years we tried.  And then, when it all happened, when I was pregnant, and I first felt her kick inside me, that’s when I knew.  THIS was going to be some ride.  Like nothing I had ever experienced before.

In the hours before I had my first baby, I rocked on a birth ball, my dad painted my toenails, Rob read random facts from the Almanac, and I walked a hundred circles around labor & delivery.  And after 28 hours of labor, and they placed her in my arms, I gasped, “she is so big!”  There are no words that can describe that moment.  A mixture of relief, JOY, anxiousness, love.  If it’s possible for a heart to smile, mine did.  And in a moment I knew, my life would never be the same, and that was more than okay. 

Two more babies and two miscarriages later, this motherhood thing has had its share of grief, hardship, stress, and left me feeling utterly incapable at times.  Night terrors, nighttime nursing, and sleepwalking resulted in five-ish straight years without a night of uninterrupted sleep.  Seriously.  Not even exaggerating on that one.   My first two babies were each hospitalized at 3 months old, one with a kidney condition that meant she would be on antibiotics until she outgrew it. 

Yeah, this “Mom thing” is hard.  Really hard.  You give up your full-time salary, try to make ends meet. work from home maybe. Find flexible work/ hours. (which means you rarely get to see your husband but at least one of you is home with the kids most of the time.)  On your days off, you go to play dates and feel the judgment from the stay-at-home moms, “oh, that’s so sad you have to work.” Thanks, ‘cause, you know I needed another ride on the guilt roller coaster.  Then you try this “SAHM” thing and wonder where all the “staying” is…ballet, playdates, preschool, appointments, soccer practice, endless errands.  And then comes the judgment from working moms, who assume my days are completely free and I just get to play all day (okay, well, partly, I do now…but for other reasons.)

Anyway, I guess all this to say, YES, it is HARD.  YES, you will feel judged about EVERY decision you make.  But here’s what I have learned.  STOP paying attention to everyone else and what they think.  Does it really matter??  Nope.  Not one bit. Yes, we may have days when we look a little wrinkled and didn't brush our hair; there are days my girls are not dressed appropriately for the weather; there are some days I let them have more snacks than they should; some nights I let them stay up too late, and sometimes they have cereal for dinner.  I hope they will forgive me some day.  ;)  

I will never be the perfect mom (who is?) but I believe I am perfect for my girls.  By some crazy thing called grace, God chose me to be Rachel and Lily and Ella’s mom.  And I absolutely LOVE that I get to be just that. 

I love that I know all their stories, and that they never tire of hearing the silly things they did when they were babies and toddlers.  I love that they are allowed to be mad at me, as long as we talk about it later.  I love that we hug – a LOT.  I love that we sing and dance on a moment’s notice.  I love their imaginations and how our living room has been transformed into a restaurant, a pet adoption center, an academy for their dolls, and a campground, on multiple occasions (Sorry, Rob. Yes, we will clean it up!) I love that they will tell me I am the “best mommy” even when we all know I have failed 10 times that day. And I love how they can make me laugh at the silliest things.  Laughter with my girls = best remedy. 

I love that we share each other’s interests and have a sense of “teamwork” in our house. I love that they still ask me questions - about ANYthing, even the ones I am nervous about answering.  I love that I get to be their Girl Scout leader (and they want me to be).  I love that they are fearless and brave.  Really brave. 


Despite how difficult it is to discipline, to be consistent in it, there is such a reward when you see a behavior change.  They are growing up.  How on earth did that happen?  For all the time I thought change would never come, now it is happening entirely too quickly.

I hope Ella never loses her confidence in her mix-matched sense of style; I hope Lily never loses her “I’m happy to be here” attitude towards life; and I hope Rachel never stops planning for her dreams.

So, sure, I’ve had a few – or a dozen – jobs in my life.  This one – this MOMMY thing – it beats them all.  Hands down.  It’s the hardest job. Ever. But it is also the most rewarding.  And icing on the cake is that I get to share this journey with some pretty amazing friends who also get to be called mom. 

It is all going by too fast, friends.  Be thankful. Every day.  And Hold on!!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Shamrock Marathon: Who says running isn’t a team sport??



 March 16, 2013 – Shamrock Marathon weekend was finally here.  After months of training and preparing, and a week of obsessing about the weather, we loaded up the car and headed to Virginia Beach for the big event - my first marathon! 

I dozed off and on during the car ride, while listening to my marathon playlist.  Coming off weeks of tapering, I knew I’d be ready to run; yet, I had this nagging doubt.  I had previously *only* run 20 miles, and another 6.2 was a significant chunk.  But, RunnerPeeps’ Coach Andrew insisted that was enough, and that the last 6.2 would be “mental.”  I recalled having this conversation with fellow Peep Ken on a recent run, and he offered, “I suspect that you are both right.”  I kept that in mind, along with the advice from many (Steph, Anastasia, Claire, to name a few) to “have fun.”  To a non- runner that may seem like crazy advice, but it was very important to me.  The hard work was all done – I really did just need to enjoy this marathon.

So we arrived at the Expo at the Virginia Convention Center mid-afternoon.  As I was checking in for the full, my neighbor Kelly Burich was checking in for her half marathon.  We couldn’t have planned the timing better.  We got pictures of our families with the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, checked out some vendors, got our shirts, etc.  It was a pretty good expo, but more crowded than I anticipated, considering I arrived during the last couple hours of a 2 day event.  We headed to our hotel, the Grand Ocean, where the Burich family was also staying.  We went down to the beach and played in the sand for a little while before dinner.  It was a relaxing time, although windy and cold!  We walked to a nearby restaurant, Big Sam’s, as recommended by a friend who is from Virginia Beach.  It was good to stretch my legs during the walk, but while we ate, the rain started, so we called a cab to drive us back to the hotel. 

One last check through all my gear, clothes; made sure I had pins for my race bib, and I was ready for bed.  It would be an early morning.

March 17 – 5:30 am.  I’m up!  Breakfast and get dressed.  COFFEE!!!  The half marathon started at 7 am, while the full didn’t start until 8:30.  I wanted to see Kelly start, so Rob drove Kelly and I to the half marathon starting line (or as close as we could get).  This was Kelly’s 18th half marathon, and she has run several full marathons as well.  I call her “the enforcer” as she has been known to drag me out of bed on a dark, rainy 37 degree morning for a run.  She says “the training book says you must run in all kinds of weather.”  While I wanted to smack her at the time, I was grateful for her wisdom, especially on this morning, when it was COLD (I don’t think it ever got above mid-40s even by afternoon), WINDY, and threatening rain.  After pictures and “good lucks”, Kelly lined up in her corral, I decided to find my friend Kristie, who was also running the half.  Kristie had run the 8k the previous day.  If you don’t know Kristie, let me tell you, she is just AWESOME!!  She defies stereotypes.  She may not look like the “typical” runner, but she makes these goals and does not give up!!  She found the perfect shirt at the expo, which says “I’m over here doing what everyone said is impossible.”  She rocks!!  I kept her company as her corral waited its turn.  And then she was off!!  Now time for me to find Jill at her hotel.

I welcomed the warmth of the hotel immediately!!  I was praying this cold and wind didn’t keep up all day, and kept telling myself that it would be better when I started running.  Jill had bought “26.2” shamrock temporary tattoos for us, so I quickly placed that on my cheek.  I did one last check of what I would need for the run, and left my dry bag in her hotel room, where I would come back and shower afterward.  We started the 9 block walk to the starting line.  Jill’s parents, sister, nephews, and boyfriend all came along to see her/ us off.  While we waited for our corral to start, we found others who were running their first marathon, and some who were veterans.  To our surprise, the lady who looked like she’d just stepped out of “Hee Haw” claimed to have run a marathon in all 50 states, had completed Disney’s Goofy Challenge (a 5k, half marathon, and full marathon on consecutive days), and said this was her 17th time running Shamrock full.  WOW!!

And WE’RE OFF!!  Jill and I decided that we would try to run together for at least the first half, and then we’d see how things went.  Neither wanted to hold the other back, but we are well-matched as far as pace, and we had run most of our long training runs together, so it would be a great mental boost to have that familiarity.  We both wanted to complete the marathon in less than 5 hours.  My strategy was to run conservatively during the first half (about 10:30 min/ mile pace and no greater than 11:00 min. mile pace), and then pick up the pace for a faster second half (negative split).  I was determined to not hit the infamous “wall” people talk about after mile 20.  So as we head south on Atlantic Ave., I tell Jill “this is just another long run, right?!”  We can do this!!

About mile 1.5, we pass our hotel.  Rob and the girls are out there cheering runners on, and holding their posters.  I am excited to see them.  Jill and I continue for the next few miles, chatting causally. Jill reminds me to smile for the camera when we run by – I usually don’t notice these things, but that explains why Jill has better race photos than I do.  I begin to warm up, and decide to ditch my gloves about mile 5 (a decision I will later regret.)  Around mile 7, we stop for a bathroom break.  Even with the pit stop, mile 7 clocked in at 12:37.  Not too bad considering we had to wait in line.  As we head back on the bridge over Rundee Inlet (about mile 10), I am trying to think of things to chat about with Jill.  I make the realization that between the two of us, we have lost over 130 pounds.  Wow, we have come a long way…just more confirmation of appreciating the accomplishment and enjoying this race. 

THEN we hit the boardwalk!! The wind is brutal!  My cold hands begin to feel numb.  I know that Rob and the girls will be at mile 11 (on the beach side of our hotel). I start looking for them, and am glad I can see their signs more from this side.  Rachel’s sign said “Worst Parade EVER!” and then she flipped it, “Seriously?!  Where are the floats?”  awesome. It now occurs to me that the girls are still in their PJ pants.  (I find out later, they put them over their jeans because it was so cold.)  I take a brief moment to run over to them and give kisses. It’s such a boost to see my family during a race.  Now, I had another 15 miles to go.  Ugh!  It was so cold!!  I thought it would get better once we turned off the boardwalk, and back onto Atlantic. 

I was wrong.   As we near the halfway point, many half-marathoners are walking along, cheering us on, wrapped in their WARM finishers blanket.  I fight the urge to yank one of them off and wear the rest of the race.  After we cross the 13.1 checkpoint, it’s time for my Clif shot/ gel.  Problem is, my fingers are so numb, I cannot tear the package.  I resort to using my teeth, and quickly suck it down, so I can wrap my thumb back into my shirt.  Miles 14-16, we see the marathon leaders looping back to their miles 23 and 24.  I cheer for a few of them, especially the first woman to run by.  I don’t think I will ever be that fast.

Jill and I are still running together, but not so chatty now.  About mile 17, Jill asks me to tell her a story.  My mind goes blank.  I can’t think of anything to say.  By now, she has heard pretty much all of my stories.  I’ve got nothing.  I ask her what she is listening to on her playlist and tell her what’s on mine (“Thriftshop” – recommended by Claire).  I think I have to go to the bathroom again, so I tell Jill that I’ll run on ahead, and she will catch up to me.  When I get to the next set of port-a-potties, I realize how close I am to the next check-in at 18.1 miles, and decide to keep going.  Mentally, it helps to just get to that next point, and this continues throughout the rest of the race.  These check-in points are posted on my facebook page, and I know some people are checking it, cheering me, and I hear the “bing” of incoming texts spurring me on.  (Although I didn’t check all the texts until after I finished, I knew a few people were sending me encouraging messages as I crossed those mile-markers).   

As I reach mile 19, the urge to go to the bathroom passes, and Eminem’s “Till I Collapse” comes on my playlist.  I immediately think of Kellie (who recommended I include the song), and her story of “crashing” at mile 19 during her first marathon, and her successful 2nd marathon last month, when she qualified for Boston.  I pick up the pace.  Mile 19 proved to be my fastest mile, with mile 20 not much off that pace, 10:09 and 10:13 respectively.   At mile 21, with 5 miles remaining, I think to myself, “Okay, this is just another Tuesday run with Candace.”  Candace is the one to blame for getting me started with this running thing.  Lately, we’ve been running 5 miles on Tuesdays, at a sub-10 min/ mile pace.  Mentally, I want to pick up my pace to those tempo run levels (9:45-ish) but my legs aren’t quite on board with this plan.  I reconcile myself to just not going any slower!

I focus on taking a mile at a time.  I am actually enjoying myself, and smiling even when there isn’t a camera around.  Now that I don’t have the chit chat with Jill, my music is a great inspiration.  There are songs that are played in boot camp, and make me think of those women and how inspiring they are.  There are songs recommended by other amazing friends (“It’s Time” recommended by Alecia) and songs that remind me of RunnerPeeps (“Good Time” to which Gordy set the Peeps 2012 vide).   For the second or third time, a few sprinkles fell, threatening rain.  Fortunately, the weather stayed dry, just COLD.  I thought about my 14 mile training run in the freezing rain/ sleet/ snow.  Those runs were no longer considered futile.  (and I thought of my friend Janice, who watched my kids during that long miserable run…see, it takes a village).  I think about my RunnerPeep friend Mimi, who was running her marathon the same day – in Rome!  I was jealous she was done by now. 

Mile 23 and my big toe that has been hurting since mile 20 starts bothering me even more.  I contemplate walking for a while, maybe taking some of the snacks offered at aid stations (pretzels, bananas, even beer).   But stronger than that desire was my desire for this thing to be OVER.  I wanted to be done so I could get out of these shoes.  Knowing I still had a Clif shot left if I needed it, I by-passed the snacks and kept going. 

Mile 24.  Okay, just 2 more.  Equivalent to one lap around Shelley Lake.  Easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy. (as Ella says).  I got this.  Mile 25 was a bit slower (11:16) and I was certain the temperature was dropping now.  Or maybe it was just that I was getting closer to the beach, and that 15 mph wind was picking up. 

Homestretch.  So close.  Beautiful stretch down the boardwalk. I see Rob and the girls near the finish line.  I want to sprint to the finish, but only manage a 9:38 pace.  It’ll have to do.  I smile and blow a kiss to Rob and the girls as I run by.


DONE!!!  I thought I would have more of an emotional response.  More or less, I was just glad to be done.  I was still cold, and wanted that finishers blanket pronto!  After wrapping it around me, and grabbing some water, banana, and pretzels, I turn around to look for Jill.  She couldn’t be far behind.  Evidently, this was the moment I felt my legs cramp up, and my thighs could no longer move.  Apparently my face grimaced, and some nearby volunteer called out to me, “Smile!  You just finished a marathon!”  I wanted to smack her. 

I didn’t see Jill coming, and I now remembered having to go to the bathroom.  I hobbled to the end of the shoot, threw my food and finishers loot at my girls (who were starving and ate my pretzels!), and headed for the lines of port-a-johns.  While in the finishers’ “party tent”, I saw Jill cross the finish line on the big screen.  Yay!!  We texted, considered meeting up on the beach, but decided we were both too cold and we’d head back to the hotel. 

That 9-block walk back seemed like forever!!  But moments after sitting down in the WARM lobby, I was greeted by Kristie.  She had stayed around to congratulate Jill and I.  Then I read all the texts and facebook messages of support.  YUP, running is definitely a TEAM sport!!!

Official finishing time: 4:44:16. (and negative split by 4 minutes).

Thursday, March 14, 2013

More Than A Conqueror (Why I have already won...my pre-race report)


As most are aware (some more keenly aware than they’d like), I am running my first full marathon on Sunday, March 17…that’s 26.2 miles, baby!  It is definitely intimidating, but I am not one to shy away from things that scare me. 

See, when I was in college, there were three fears I had, as I headed into “the real world”.  1. Getting fat, 2. being financially unstable, and 3. a loved one getting cancer. 

I know you are probably thinking…really?  “Getting Fat” – that’s easy – just exercise and eat well. Sure, we all know that, but it is really hard.  Especially when you it’s your last year of college, you are engaged, planning a wedding out of town, your fiancĂ© is 5 hours ways, you are taking 21 and 24 credit hours per semester (respectively), applying to grad schools, and trying to figure out where you are going to live in a few months.  Okay, so you get the picture…I’m wired this way.  I’ve always done “too much”.  So, the weight crept on, and on and on…until I had to face those other fears, too, and then it was too much for me to handle.  So, God handled it.

And God being God, made me face each one of those fears….face to face. Up close and personal. Using it to change me into who I was created to be.  And you know what happens when you face your fears?  When you realize that you’ve made it through and someone (or some people) have held you and carried you through it?  Well, for one thing, you have scars.  But these scars are beautiful because they are a reminder that you’re still alive – you still have purpose.  They are an Ebenezer *.  And, there is freedom in facing your fears.  Because now…I don’t fear anything.  I know that whatever comes, whatever trial, whatever challenge, I can withstand it.  Not through my own strength, but through Christ’s and through those that he brings along side of me to encourage me on the journey.

The most pivotal years of my life, when all of this facing of fears came to a head, happened to coincide with Ella’s first 2 years of life.  It strikes me that she is my spirited child, having endured these hardships with me, in sorts, in her early years of development.  I KNOW that she will be one that can change the world, if only her spirit is guided in the right way.  She’s a mirror of my emotions (good and bad) from the time she was born. 

So, let me break it down like this…certain “life events” are defined as “stressors”.  Not all are bad – such as a birth or new job – but they are transitions that cause some degree of upheaval, stress, and what-not.  Some, are obviously bad – health concerns, job loss, death.  In a two year peiod,  Summer of 2007 to Summer of 2009, I had over TWENTY “life events” or “stressors”.  I don’t make a point of this for pity’s sake.  But, so that you know the reality of what I went through and how it turned out.  Here are most of these events:

  • Finish certification process to become birth doula
  • Best friend going through awful divorce
  • Said friend and her 5 yr. old son move in with us during my 9th month of pregnancy with 3rd child
  • 3rd child born – Eleanor Rose
  • Transition to working from home
  • Dad diagnosed with aggressive brain cancer
  • Oldest child, Rachel begins Kindergarten (we all are learning about “school life”)
  • Dad undergoes surgery, treatments
  • Host dad and family during time of surgery, recovery, treatment
  • Multiple trips to see Dad, especially during final 5 weeks, on Hospice
  • Dad dies
  • Back to work a week later – have to make up lost time and work 50-70 hr/wk (normally 20 hr/ wk)
  • Have to sell Mom’s house – clean out Mom’s house ; garage sale, house on market, with 3 kids in tow
  • Family Discord
  • Decide to quit job, and work on developing birth doula business
  • Find out I’m pregnant – not planned, and mixed emotions, finally excited about it
  • Miscarriage (my 2nd one)
  • Mom sells house
  • Mom has to move in with us
  • Construction begins on home renovations/ additions with 3 generations under one roof
  • Find lump in breast – undergo ultrasounds and mammogram.  Thankfully, negative.


During this time, I went from losing my baby weight, and walking regularly (with double jogging stroller), to gaining almost 50 pounds in a year.   I didn’t know where to start with making changes.  It was too daunting a task.  I remember the day after Thanksgiving 2008, complaining to Rob that I was too fat and how much I hated it!  In what was not one of his finest moments (or was it?), he said bluntly, “ Well, get off your a$$ and start moving.” (okay, maybe he didn’t say it exactly that way, but that is what I heard.)  I stormed out of the  house, and ran.  I was going to show him.  So, I made it to the end of the street (we’re the second house in), and ran out of breath.  I kept a fast walking pace, not knowing where I was going. 

I ended up at a nearby park.  I sat under a tree for nearly an hour.  This was the first time I remembered being alone since my dad had died, 8 months prior.  I finally had a moment to grieve.  I cried. A lot.  Which is rare for me.  I realized something:  As it turned out, I didn’t just hate being fat, I hated me.  I was a miserable person. I am sure I made things difficult  for everyone around me.

This realization didn’t change things automatically.  But it was a start.  A seed was planted.  I knew I at least wanted to get out of this hole I was in.  Something had to be done.
Well, as things went, it would be 2 more years before everything clicked.  I was finally faced with a decision…what did I want for Christmas (2010)???  You can read my previous post to know how that went.  How I started my journey to getting healthy. 

When I look back, there are several events that are too important to be considered coincidence.  Step one in getting me through all of this was the Lord’s hand in where we ended up with a church family.  A year prior to all of this, we were living in Raleigh and going to church in Durham (45 min. away) - where we had previously lived.  It was a HUGE decision to leave that church, and find a new one.  I admit, I was skeptical that we’d find a good one.  We “happened” upon Redeemer Church.  During these months and years of trials, I can honestly say that I literally felt the Lord’s presence with me through these people.  THAT is what the church is about – not a building, but the PEOPLE, coming along side each other.  They literally shared in my burdens and carried me through that time.  It was soon after my Dad died that I joined the music team, singing on a rotating basis for Sunday morning worship.  I cannot begin to explain how integral this was to the healing and growing that needed to happen within.  See, when I am singing on Sunday morning, I feel the closest to my Dad.  He was a Pastor, and he LOVED some of these songs we sing.  Not only that, but some of the songs talk of heaven, and those saints that go before us there.  I imagine that at that very moment I am singing, my Dad is doing the same exact thing.  Singing praises to our God.  We have that unity, although he is gone from this earth.

The other amazing thing about this church I call “Family” is that they pray.  And I don’t just mean wishes and hopes and holding you to the light.  They PRAY as I have never been witness to.  So, when I decided to take on this “exercise and getting healthy” thing, I asked a few to pray.  That I would be motivated, that I would stick with it.  That I would change.

And they did.  And I did. 

So, this running a marathon thing…it isn’t about me.  It’s about a work that has been done in me and through me.  It’s about those that have been with me on this journey. 

When I run, I usually have a playlist of songs that inspire me.  There are some songs on that list that remind me of specific people, or groups of people.  There are songs that we hear in boot camp – those women have been right there with me in this “fight” to be fit and healthy; there are songs that make me think of my RunnerPeeps friends; there are songs that make me think of some in my church family.  Each one of these people is with me on my run – giving strength and encouragement with every stride. 

And I know my Dad is looking down, too. (If I get to heaven and realize this isn’t, in fact, true, I won’t care at that point.)  Today, when going through itunes in preparing my Marathon Playlist, I came across a song that I listened to a lot when my Dad was dying.  I have not listened to it in a few years (unintentionally).  It’s a song called “Just a Little” by Leigh Nash (by the way, she is one of my most favorite voices, and I listened to her a lot during my labor with Ella).  The whole song is wonderful, but there is a line that says, “Love breaks your heart, to teach you to be strong. I die just a little, so I can live a little bit more.”

I think that sums things up for me.  March 30 marks the 5th Anniversary of my Dad’s death.  My heart was broken.  But, I have learned that it CAN heal, and it can be strong.  I can die to things of this world and of myself, to truly live.  And I hope, for my girls’ sake, that I live a little bit more.



PS – that 3rd fear about finances…yeah, faced that one too.  But the story is still being written.  Stay tuned.