Leaving a Legacy

Written August 17, 2017.

Ten years. A decade ago today, our fears were confirmed. It was cancer.

Like many of you, time is defined as “before” and “after” a cancer diagnosis. I remember every detail of that day. After days of questions and tests and specialists, we sat anxiously in the waiting room as doctors took a biopsy of my dad’s brain. We were called into the private family waiting room. Not a good sign. I sat, nursing my one month old baby girl, awaiting the doctor’s entrance. Yes. It is cancer. Aggressive cancer. It would be a few more days before we learned the name “glioblastoma mutliform” and “stage 4” but this was it. This is how it would end. We didn’t know when, but we knew how. Cancer.

Looking back, I am not sure how I made it through some of those darkest days. I would like to say I had a superhuman strength or insight. I didn’t. I took one day at a time. Some better than others. My girls were ages 5, 2, and one month. I am pretty sure the first 9 months of Ella’s life were a state of chaos. Survival mode in a time of crisis.

But mostly, I had people. A community. Many from church. Many from my parents’ years of ministry. Neighbors. Teachers. Friends. I was recently listening to the song “Never Once” by Matt Redman. THIS. This is how I made it through. Never once did I walk alone. I was never left on my own. In his faithfulness, God provided people to be his arms, his feet. To give me a shoulder and lift me up.

In recent days (and years) we have continued to see dark times. And yet, we are still never left alone. We have each other. Whatever our differences, we have more common ground. Whatever our background, we also should consider our future. What legacy do we want to leave our children? My dad left this legacy: Love God. Love people. In that order. His heart was always for others.

As I watched my kids play in the ocean today (oh, how I am soaking up these memories!!), thinking about how they never really got to know their Papa, I am confident that they know his legacy. And I pray I continue to live out that legacy. May my children know kindness and be kind. May they love others well. May they walk along side their sisters and brothers, so that no one walks alone.

Because, for each one of us, we all know it will end some day. And in the end, it’s the people that matter. Our families. Our communities. Our sisters and brothers from different races and countries. They all matter.

From reading “Of Mess & Moxie” today, “…you will be stronger in these fragile places than you were before it happened. This is a part of your story, not the end of it, and you will overcome. Not only that, you will thrive. If God truly is the strongest where we are the weakest, then He will win in this place.”

Our stories continue even after we die. We will overcome. We will leave a legacy. May it be of LOVE.

To my younger self...

Spring 2008. I was 31 years old. I had three girls, ages 5 and under. I was working outside the home part-time, my oldest was in Kindergarten, and my dad had just died of brain cancer, 7 months after he was diagnosed.

At the time this picture was taken, we had just arrived at Disney World's Fort Wilderness Resort.  It was the girls' very first trip.  We had actually planned a trip about 6 weeks prior, but on the drive to Florida, got the call that my dad had died; so we turned around and repacked for the funeral and Disney was on hold. 

So here we were, at Disney at last.  It wasn't really a vacation in terms of relaxing, but I really needed the escape from reality.  I remember just trying to hold it all together - living one day to the next.  Survivial mode.  I had never really nailed down a routine after my youngest was born because my dad got sick when she was a month old, then my oldest turned 5 and  Kindergarten started, and it went downhill from there.  I remember thinking that after this trip, I would HAVE to figure out a routine and have create some stability for the girls.  Because up until that point, having three kids was complete CHAOS.  

What I want to go back and tell myself is this:

1. It's okay.  YOU are okay.  You have not failed as a mother because you haven't created a routine in the first 9 months.  You have had some really difficult things happen.  Don't be so hard on yourself.

2. Even though life was unpredictable then, and you didn't have structure, you are probably teaching your girls to be adaptable.  Their whole life will not fall apart if plans change.  They are able to move on and figure out a new plan.

3. I know you are really worried about your weight and appearance.  Don't be. Some years you will get it right when it comes to diet & exercise; other time you won't. But don't miss being in the picture. When you look back, years from now, you will be glad you are in these pictures with your girls.  They won't remember (or care) what you looked like but that you were present and making memories with them. 

4. No mother has it all together when her kids are little.  Having three kids, in it of itself, IS chaos.  Find some other moms who are going through the same stage and just hold on to each other.  Do life with "your village".  It makes the chaos a little easier to manage.

5. You are struggling with work-life balance.  Sadly, you will continue with this for years.  You make some good decisions and some not so good ones.  But again, go easy on yourself.  No guilt trips. You are doing your best and your girls will be okay. Even when you work.  Because you work. They are seeing what working hard looks like.  And it's okay to change careers.  Your priority has always been family, and work based around that.  You do what you need to do and eventually you will figure out this work stuff and follow your passions.  You will never regret not working more.  Especially during the Family Years.

6. That little girl in the picture.  She will be grown before you know it.  Enjoy every second. Be present.  Even the fights and the struggles - all completely worth it.  She is worth it.  Slow down and make the memories.  

7. There is beauty in the chaos.  Embrace it.