Leaving a Legacy

Written August 17, 2017.

Ten years. A decade ago today, our fears were confirmed. It was cancer.

Like many of you, time is defined as “before” and “after” a cancer diagnosis. I remember every detail of that day. After days of questions and tests and specialists, we sat anxiously in the waiting room as doctors took a biopsy of my dad’s brain. We were called into the private family waiting room. Not a good sign. I sat, nursing my one month old baby girl, awaiting the doctor’s entrance. Yes. It is cancer. Aggressive cancer. It would be a few more days before we learned the name “glioblastoma mutliform” and “stage 4” but this was it. This is how it would end. We didn’t know when, but we knew how. Cancer.

Looking back, I am not sure how I made it through some of those darkest days. I would like to say I had a superhuman strength or insight. I didn’t. I took one day at a time. Some better than others. My girls were ages 5, 2, and one month. I am pretty sure the first 9 months of Ella’s life were a state of chaos. Survival mode in a time of crisis.

But mostly, I had people. A community. Many from church. Many from my parents’ years of ministry. Neighbors. Teachers. Friends. I was recently listening to the song “Never Once” by Matt Redman. THIS. This is how I made it through. Never once did I walk alone. I was never left on my own. In his faithfulness, God provided people to be his arms, his feet. To give me a shoulder and lift me up.

In recent days (and years) we have continued to see dark times. And yet, we are still never left alone. We have each other. Whatever our differences, we have more common ground. Whatever our background, we also should consider our future. What legacy do we want to leave our children? My dad left this legacy: Love God. Love people. In that order. His heart was always for others.

As I watched my kids play in the ocean today (oh, how I am soaking up these memories!!), thinking about how they never really got to know their Papa, I am confident that they know his legacy. And I pray I continue to live out that legacy. May my children know kindness and be kind. May they love others well. May they walk along side their sisters and brothers, so that no one walks alone.

Because, for each one of us, we all know it will end some day. And in the end, it’s the people that matter. Our families. Our communities. Our sisters and brothers from different races and countries. They all matter.

From reading “Of Mess & Moxie” today, “…you will be stronger in these fragile places than you were before it happened. This is a part of your story, not the end of it, and you will overcome. Not only that, you will thrive. If God truly is the strongest where we are the weakest, then He will win in this place.”

Our stories continue even after we die. We will overcome. We will leave a legacy. May it be of LOVE.

To my younger self...

Spring 2008. I was 31 years old. I had three girls, ages 5 and under. I was working outside the home part-time, my oldest was in Kindergarten, and my dad had just died of brain cancer, 7 months after he was diagnosed.

At the time this picture was taken, we had just arrived at Disney World's Fort Wilderness Resort.  It was the girls' very first trip.  We had actually planned a trip about 6 weeks prior, but on the drive to Florida, got the call that my dad had died; so we turned around and repacked for the funeral and Disney was on hold. 

So here we were, at Disney at last.  It wasn't really a vacation in terms of relaxing, but I really needed the escape from reality.  I remember just trying to hold it all together - living one day to the next.  Survivial mode.  I had never really nailed down a routine after my youngest was born because my dad got sick when she was a month old, then my oldest turned 5 and  Kindergarten started, and it went downhill from there.  I remember thinking that after this trip, I would HAVE to figure out a routine and have create some stability for the girls.  Because up until that point, having three kids was complete CHAOS.  

What I want to go back and tell myself is this:

1. It's okay.  YOU are okay.  You have not failed as a mother because you haven't created a routine in the first 9 months.  You have had some really difficult things happen.  Don't be so hard on yourself.

2. Even though life was unpredictable then, and you didn't have structure, you are probably teaching your girls to be adaptable.  Their whole life will not fall apart if plans change.  They are able to move on and figure out a new plan.

3. I know you are really worried about your weight and appearance.  Don't be. Some years you will get it right when it comes to diet & exercise; other time you won't. But don't miss being in the picture. When you look back, years from now, you will be glad you are in these pictures with your girls.  They won't remember (or care) what you looked like but that you were present and making memories with them. 

4. No mother has it all together when her kids are little.  Having three kids, in it of itself, IS chaos.  Find some other moms who are going through the same stage and just hold on to each other.  Do life with "your village".  It makes the chaos a little easier to manage.

5. You are struggling with work-life balance.  Sadly, you will continue with this for years.  You make some good decisions and some not so good ones.  But again, go easy on yourself.  No guilt trips. You are doing your best and your girls will be okay. Even when you work.  Because you work. They are seeing what working hard looks like.  And it's okay to change careers.  Your priority has always been family, and work based around that.  You do what you need to do and eventually you will figure out this work stuff and follow your passions.  You will never regret not working more.  Especially during the Family Years.

6. That little girl in the picture.  She will be grown before you know it.  Enjoy every second. Be present.  Even the fights and the struggles - all completely worth it.  She is worth it.  Slow down and make the memories.  

7. There is beauty in the chaos.  Embrace it. 

For the Girls

 A few years ago, I was reading For The Love by JenHatmaker.  After sniffling through her chapter “Dear Kids”, I read it to my girls.  It starts out like this:

“It is just a random Tuesday, so today is as good a day as any to tell you all my dreams for your life. I don’t want to wait until your graduation parties or rehearsal dinners or some big moment when important words will get swept away in the hustle.  Plus, a bunch of this can’t wait until you’re grown because it matters right now.”

When Jen wrote these words, she was in the last year of all her kids being under one roof – The Family Years.  That same summer, we took a family road trip across the country, and we knew instantly that would be one of the highlights of our Family Years.  And I knew those years would go by all too quickly. 

And so we are here.  The last of OUR Family Years.  Next month, my oldest will start her Senior year of High School.  We will have a Freshman and a seventh grader too.  And although I know we can still take family trips and continue traditions, it will be different.  They are growing up.  And so, while they are away at camp this week and I am missing them, I am thinking about the words I want to leave them. Jen sums up her dreams for her kids into three points: Be Kind. Be You. Love Jesus. (and we’ve actually had that written on our chalkboard wall since).  A lot of experts have created lists of “Things Teens Should Hear”, but what do I want my girls to hear from me?  Have I left them any words of wisdom that will stick with them as they begin to navigate adulthood?

As I reminisce about that Summer of 2015, and how I want to remember them always, I also hope they hear these things before they leave their Family Years.

Make Mistakes.  Yes, that is right.  We want you to make mistakes alongside us, before you are on your own. Your dad and I are your biggest cheerleaders but that also means we are here to help you and guide you when you make mistakes.  Learning now, under our roof, how to solve problems as a consequence of mistakes will serve you better when you are on your own.  And no matter what, we are ALWAYS here to help.  There is no mistake too big that can make us stop loving you any less than we do right now.  Nothing can ever change that.

Pursue your passions. Whatever you decide to do for a career, love it.  Don’t settle for a job that is toxic just because you make more money.  There are years when your career will require more of your time than your family receives, and if you don’t absolutely love it, you will likely grow bitter.  This never benefits anyone.  Your mental health and well being, as well as your family’s, will be the better for it. And if your passions change, if you stumble upon a new dream, follow it.  You are never too old to start a new career, a new business.  You are created with certain gifts and talents.  Use them to create a better world. 

Invest in relationships & build a community. Spend time with strangers, make new friends, but always invest in meaningful relationships. Relationships are everything, because people matter.  Make people feel important and valued.  This includes “be kind” as we’ve had written on our wall for years.  Kindness breaks down walls and hard hearts.  Kindness shows that we are all human and finds common ground.  Be present with people and engage in conversation in person, not over social media and texting.  Be in the moment and make memories by spending time with people.   I hope this includes each other.  Love each other well.  The three of you have known each other the longest as siblings.  You know each other’s stories and are a part of some of each other’s best memories.  I can’t force you to be friends as adults, but I hope you will be anyway.

You CAN have it all. You just have to re-define what your “all” is.  There will be people that will tell you can can’t do it all, be it all, and have it all.  Don’t listen to them. Some days you will succeed in one area of life and other days another.  Every day does not have to be completely balanced (get used to hearing that word… what is “balance” anyway?!) But when you figure out what is the most important to you – not fame, not money, not power and position – but people, family, work you are passionate about, giving back to your community… then you will realize you had your “all” all along.  You don’t have to sacrifice one thing for another.  Life isn’t about choosing one passion over another.  You just have to focus on what matters most.  Find your ALL.  And enjoy it!

Follow Jesus. I probably don’t talk about this enough.  And growing as a Pastor’s kid, I heard a lot of talk about the Bible.  Rules to follow. The do’s and do not’s.  What I want you to hear is this:  Love Jesus.  Follow HIS teachings.  Not what man has to say about the Bible or how to interpret it.  But what did Jesus actually say and do?  He will never steer you wrong.  Following his commands to love one another and serve the poor, the marginalized, the refugee, will never be the wrong thing to do.  If you are never sure what to do in a situation, how to treat someone, err on the side of love.  Be gracious, forgiving and kind.  It is hard to imagine, but Jesus loves you even more than your dad and I ever could.  He goes before you and with you into this great big world. 

“…these raising-you years are a joy and a gift and the delight of my life…  And if I could write my perfect story from scratch, it would be our exact life.” – Jen Hatmaker, For the Love

"What was your favorite part?"

This is the question we are asked the most when people hear about our summer cross country trip.

In short, my answer is “Goodland, Kansas.”

Yes, we saw the Grand Canyon and hiked in the Virgin River through Zion Canyon.   We saw painted deserts and climbed to hanging lake.  We visited long time friends and spent a few days with my sister and brother-in-law.  But yes, the night we spent in the sketchy motel in the middle of nowhere was my favorite part.

Rob and I had been planning this trip for years.   Having moved across the country twice while growing up, I wanted our girls to experience some of the things I did as we traveled from coast to coast. We discussed the logistics of our trip and whether or not we would schedule specific stops and make hotel reservations (the “Bob Chapman way”) or just drive until we were tired and needed to stop for the night (the “Max Helton way” - which always led to adventures).  Due to some logistics (and because I am a planner), we mapped out most of our days/ nights, but left one open in case we wanted to pull a “Max”.  This meant we may need to stop for the night somewhere between Denver, CO, and Kansas City, MO. 

As we ate dinner at Chili’s in Denver, we googled our route to see where would be a good place to stop for the night.  We discussed driving 3-4 more hourst, which would put us near the Colorado/ Kansas border.  Mentally, we wanted to get to the next state, so we decided to look for a place once we crossed into Kansas.  Goodland sounded like a decent place to stop, and we figured surely there would be a nice room available on a Wednesday night at one of the six hotels just off the Interstate. 

We couldn’t have been more wrong. 

First, we pulled in to the Motel 6 parking lot…and drove right out.  Sketchy place.  Next, we tried the Super 8.  One room left, and it had a king size bed. (Um, not for 5 people.  No thanks.) The Holiday Inn charged more than double the other places, and there was no room at the Comfort Inn. One hotel was a little off the beaten path, and not being impressed with Goodland so far, we weren’t sure we wanted to explore more of it at midnight.  We pulled into the last one – a local motel that seemed to attract anyone that was still awake at this hour.  The shady deals going on in that parking lot made the Motel 6 not look so sketchy now.  And seeing that it only had 4 rooms left, and 2 more parties walking inside, we figured this was our chance to snag a room for the night.  We only needed to sleep a few hours and get back on the road anyway.

To call this place sketch is a compliment.  Upon entering the room, we noticed the microwave set on a chair, with no obvious place for it to go. The two double beds barely had space between them, and both touched walls. The shower head was too short, even for me.  The girls crammed in one bed, and Rob and I took the one closest to the door; the sheets felt like sandpaper.  I laid next to the window, mere feet from our van in the parking lot.  With every random noise, Rob would make me peek out the window to make sure our van was still there and not being vandalized.

We all laid still and quiet, trying to summons sleep.  Suddenly, we all broke the silence and started laughing.  Belly-ache laughing.  We couldn’t help but laugh at the circumstance.  How Goodland, Kansas was anything but good.  How we were so tired but couldn’t sleep, and were in this sketchy motel, with the sole purpose of trying to get a few hours of sleep.  Finally, our laughs quieted down.  And the girls asked me to sing.  I sang lullabies. Rob sang “Golden Slumbers”.  The girls and I sang “Bright” and then we all sang “Oceans.” All of us.  And it sounded perfect to me. 

Yes, THIS is why Goodland is my favorite part.  This is what the trip was about.  Being together. Making the best out of a less than ideal circumstance. Making memories.  Because years from now, I will remember lying in a sketchy motel in the middle of nowhere, with my four favorite people on earth, and how we laughed and sang each other to sleep.  This is one of the stories that will be told and retold as we talk about our #griswolding adventures.  THIS is the good stuff.

Spreading Christmas Cheer

Disclaimer:  This is written only to share what we do, in the hopes it will encourage others.  It is NOT intended to make anyone feel guilty about what they do or don’t do to celebrate Christmas.  Some years, I do these things well, and some years, I fail miserably.  So, if you are going to read this, you have to promise not to judge – including yourself.  If you like an idea, steal it.   Maybe there is just ONE thing that you take from this.  Enjoy it.  Do it well, and don’t stress about the rest of it. 

How does your family countdown to Christmas?   Our family has two ways we count down the days until Christmas, starting on December 1st.  But, before that, we have 2 traditions that kick off our Christmas season.

First of all, the day after Thanksgiving is our day to get out our Christmas decorations.  We usually have a movie on in the background – our two favorites are “Elf” and “A Christmas Story”.  The girls particularly LOVE the time we spend going through ornaments.  Each girl has a box of her own ornaments that have been collected over the years.  In their early years, when they were too little to choose their own, I tried to select something that represented what they were in to that year.  When they were old enough to select an ornament, I tried to steer them in a similar way, but yes, we have ended up with some cheesy ones – Santa Elmo, Disney Princesses (which is actually fitting for our Disney-crazed family), and even a Barbie and Twelve Dancing Princesses one (shudder!!)  This is one of their favorite parts of the holidays, as they reminisce about previous years;  my sister, their Aunt Elaine, is notorious for giving ornaments as well.  Each girl already has quite the collection, and they know that when they grow up and move out on their own, they will take their box of ornaments with them…they will use them on their own Christmas trees, and have a piece of their childhood with them. 

But backing up just a little…the very first decoration we get out is the Nativity.  This actually will come out the weekend BEFORE Thanksgiving.  We use this as a reminder for why we are even celebrating in the first place.  And as we enter the holiday season of thanks and then of giving, we keep in the forefront of our minds that we have been given the greatest gift of all in Christ, and we are eternally thankful.  Everything else we do is should be in response to that.

 The first way we count down to Christmas is using an advent calendar of sorts. It’s called a Jesse Tree.  A Jesse Tree can be made of various materials – an actual tree, a wall hanging, a metal tree display.  The idea is that you have an ornament for each day, Dec. 1-25, even if you just hang them at the bottom of your own Christmas tree.  The ornaments each day tell a story.  We use a book, “The Advent Jess Tree” by Dean Lambert, to read about each day’s ornament/ symbol.  The Jesse Tree got its name from scripture which says that “out of the tree of Jesse will come Christ the Lord;” from the lineage of Jesse, father of David, there will be one who comes who saves.  And so the symbols each day tell the story of that Savior, how He was with God from the beginning of the world, and how our need for Him was evident from the first sin.

 Our Jesse tree was made from my husband’s advent calendar, used when he and his sister were kids.  My mother-in-law made it, and sewed Velcro ornaments to go in each pocket.  Her ornaments were not the Jesse tree symbols, although some of them translated to that – candle, angel, lamb.  I sewed the other symbols to complete the set.  So this tree is very special as it was made by the girls’ grandmother and their mother, representing both sides of their lineage. 

 The other way we count down to Christmas is by using a paper chain – tearing off a link every day; however, unlike the paper chains of my youth, these links have an activity written on them.  A daily surprise for the girls of something we will do to celebrate Christmas.  Now, some of these are more involved than others, and completing the chain links prior to Dec. 1 requires A LOT of planning.  It can be overwhelming, I admit.  BUT, one of the things I like most about this is that it spreads out the Christmas activities, the giving, the sharing with friends, throughout the month, rather than focusing on one single day.  Which, if we are honest, that day can be anti-climatic.  Let’s admit it…we often spend so much time seeking the perfect gift(s), spending more money than is necessary, and those presents under the tree are torn through and opened within an hour (or less!) and many of those shiny toys are soon forgotten.  Even by us adults. 

After doing these chain activities for a few years now, I have such joy (not stress) about the Christmas season, because my girls are not focused on what they are getting on Christmas morning, but their excitement is about doing these traditions – some old, some new – but all focused on spending time with loved ones, building relationships, and giving. 

Without further ado, here is a list of our favorite activities.

1.       Select a new ornament for the year.  As previously mentioned, the girls LOVE their ornaments.  The last few years, we have been collecting the Hallmark flower fairy series.  It started with Ella getting the “Rose Fairy” since her middle name is Rose, and then Lily got the “Tiger Lily fairy”. These are gorgeous little fairies we hope to complete the collection between the four of us.

2.       Appetizer dinner and watch “Elf” as a family.  The girls love it when I make appetizer dinner, which truly is about the presentation.  I serve everything  (cut fruit and veggies, cheese & crackers, chicken nuggets, etc.) from a large platter that we put in the middle of the coffee table; we share from this and watch our favorite family Christmas movie.

3.       Shopping for “Caring and Sharing” gifts – we sponsor three kids from the girls’ elementary school and buy them 3 things for Christmas (a shirt, a book, and a toy).  There are many places you can sponsor a child in need – Angel Trees, Toys for Tots.  If possible, I try to sponsor a child that is the same age as each of our girls.  It makes the connection for them as they shop for someone their own age, who may not have the things we have.

4.       Bake Cookies.  We make sugar cookies from scratch, roll out the dough, cut into shapes – angels, snowmen, bells, candy canes, Christmas trees, doves. Truth be told, the girls help through the first batch or two, then I roll out the rest of the dough throughout the evening.  In the end we usually make 10 dozen or so cookies!

5.       Cookie Party!!  This has become a Chapman tradition, going on our 9^th year.  So, what do we do with all of those cookies??  Invite our friends over to decorate (then eat) them!  We make homemade icing then color it green, red, blue, and yellow; we get all kinds of sprinkles, chocolate chips, red hots, etc.  We love opening our home each year to host friends, neighbors, classmates.  Last year, we decided to add a twist…many parents would ask “what can I bring?”  After the year where we ended up with 100 bottles of sprinkles, I decided to answer that question differently.  We request that each kid bring an item to donate to our homeless community.  Some bring gloves or a blanket, some bring toothpaste or deodorant.  This, in turn, leads to another activity…

6.       Deliver items to homeless.  One of my favorite organizations in Raleigh is “Love Wins”. They are doing so much good work for the homeless in our community. 

7.       “Elf” people.  We fill Dollar Store stockings with small gifts – candy, cards, toys – and secretly deliver to friends and/or classmates. The girls usually pick a mixture of friends as well as those who could use a little cheering to surprise in this way.  To add to the fun, the girls ring the doorbell and run off...hoping they jump back in the van before they are seen.

8.       Starbucks Hot Chocolate is a special treat.  Pay it forward (or backward) by buying the next person’s coffee.  Last year, when we went in to Starbucks, we caused quite a disruption – not only do my girls have their own way of ordering their hot chocolate (yes, there are options!) but Ella knocked over as basket of snacks, spilling to the floor, while another girl bumped into CDs on display.  I could tell the lady behind us was a bit irritated.  She even rolled her eyes at the girls.  But, we stuck with our plan, and bought a $15 gift card.  I told the barista to keep it and use it on the next customers until it ran out.  So, when the next lady got her drink for free, she was shocked!  We were still waiting for our hot chocolates when she came over to thank us.  She didn’t seem to comprehend why we would do this but it made her day.  My girls learned that sometimes it’s the people who are having a rough day, who are not acting nice, who need kindness the most.

9.       Have a Hot Chocolate Stand.  Last year, we decided to try this one – my 8 year old’s idea. The plan was to give out FREE hot chocolate in the neighborhood, on a cold day. Oddly enough, people had a hard time receiving a FREE gift.  So, we decided to collect donations, if people insisted on giving.  The donations went to my favorite global charity – Help One Now.  We raised enough money to buy a backpack and school supplies for a child in Haiti, where Help One Now had recently completed building a school for a community still struggling, years after the earthquakes.

10.   Assemble gifts for teachers and make cards.  I save Christmas cards from previous years, and the girls cut out words, phrases, pictures to make new cards. These add a nice touch to the gifts we put together as a thank you to their teachers.

11.   Go ice skating. Outside.  Downtown. It just seems more magical this way. And we found that going on Tuesday nights not only means less of a crowd, but it is buy one-get one free.

12.   Ride around looking at Christmas lights, while dressed in PJs. This one started more than 10 years ago, when my oldest one would have a hard time going to sleep. I dressed her in PJs, and would drive around looking at lights.  She was mesmerized and it quickly became one of our favorite traditions.  We now have our favorite houses, including ones that synchronize lights to music. In which case, we must get out of the car and dance!

13.   Christmas sleepover.  Each girl has one friend over for a special sleepover.  We do a Christmas themed craft, watch Christmas shows or movie, and have a special pancake breakfast. One year, our sleepover coincided with a neighbor dressed as Santa going around to visit children.  It was perfect to have a surprise visit from Santa and his elves.

14.   Make Gingerbread House with neighbor.  For years, our older neighbor, Ms. Jan has the girls over to decorate some sort of gingerbread treat.  Some years she has a house, one year it was a train.  They have decorated individual houses to create a village, and gingerbread men on a stick.  My girls LOVE this tradition, and it is one of the things they miss the most about our old house.  Even though we moved, we still promised we could go back to Ms. Jan’s for this special treat.

15.   Nutcracker ballet.  My in-laws are season ticket holders for the Carolina Ballet.  Every other year, they purchase tickets to take the girls to see a performance of the Nutcracker. The girls get all dressed up and love their time with grandparents for this special occasion.

16.   Put on a show for neighbors.  My girls love to perform.  So this led to them creating a Christmas performance/show to put on for neighbors and family.  Some years they make invitations and programs.  Sometimes the show incudes choreographed dances to the Nutcracker Suite; some times it includes elf karaoke. This is a fun time to be with neighbors and share some holiday cheer.


Other thing to do:
17.   Watch Holiday classics – Rudolph, Frosty, etc.
18.   Eat ice cream for breakfast
19.   Go downtown for a treat at Krispy Kreme
20.   Check out the decorations at the Governor’s Mansion or attend a tree lighting ceremony
21.   Make paper snowflakes with fancy paper
22.   Attend a Christmas pageant or see a live Nativity
23.   Have a family game night or invite a family over to join you
24.   Go on a sleigh ride
25.   Attend a middle/high school band or choral performance (often free or inexpensive)

 I would love to hear (or read) your ideas.  I have been surprised at some of the things my girls have come up with when I asked them how we could show someone kindness and spread cheer.  My hope is that these are the things they remember when they are older; these experiences of how it feels to give to others, and of spending time with loved ones.  These are things we cannot buy and cannot be lost nor broken. 

Cheers!!

There Will Be Days You Don't Think You Can Run a Marathon

Two days ago, I signed up to run my second marathon.  I am still working my way back from an injury in May, and the combination of asthma and humid weather has not boosted my confidence in my ability to run.  So yesterday morning, I already began doubting my decision and if I could really pull this thing off – for the second time this year.  Will it just be “too much”?

As I continued cleaning through old papers, I came across the program from the marathon I ran in March.  I was about to toss it, when I realized it had a calendar within, and I thought one of the girls may want it.  Then I noticed the inspirational quotes.

“There will be days you don’t think you can run a marathon. There will be a lifetime of knowing you have.” – Unknown

Just what I needed to hear.  So, I took a break from cleaning, and went out for a short 3 mile run.  When I run, my thoughts become clearer.  I sort out my questions and fears.  Again, just what I needed and one of the many reasons I love to run.

I started thinking about how far I had come since I began running just over 2 years ago.  It is easy to focus on my weaknesses, to get depressed and doubt my abilities.  But then, I remember this…in my weakness, He is made strong.  When I run, I don’t focus on my weakness, but on my strength in Him, who provides all the strength I need (Phil. 4:13).  And strength not only to run, but to “do life” – everything He has called me to do, He will provide the strength to do it.

The accomplishment of running a marathon will last beyond this year.  Whenever I encounter hard times, I can draw strength from knowing that He pulls me through – He always has.  Sure, it won’t be easy.  I’ll have to train through muggy weather, and plan long runs around our busy schedule.  I'll have to get up early and say "no" to late night fun with friends. But if it was easy, everyone would do it.  If it was easy, the joy at the end would not be as sweet.  And so I am reminded of another favorite quote: “I didn’t ask for easy. I asked for possible.”  And through Him who gives me strength, ALL things are possible!! 

There are many days I don’t think I can run a marathon.  Many days I don’t believe I have actually done it before.  Many days I doubt; I fear.  Many days I feel weak.  Those are the days my focus is on ME.  Those are the days I need to lace up, get out there, and change my focus to HIM.  Many days I don’t feel like running, but I do it anyway.  And I never regret it.

Being A Mom

I really had no idea what I was in for.  I mean, sure, I had been longing to be pregnant – for over 2 years we tried.  And then, when it all happened, when I was pregnant, and I first felt her kick inside me, that’s when I knew.  THIS was going to be some ride.  Like nothing I had ever experienced before.

In the hours before I had my first baby, I rocked on a birth ball, my dad painted my toenails, Rob read random facts from the Almanac, and I walked a hundred circles around labor & delivery.  And after 28 hours of labor, and they placed her in my arms, I gasped, “she is so big!”  There are no words that can describe that moment.  A mixture of relief, JOY, anxiousness, love.  If it’s possible for a heart to smile, mine did.  And in a moment I knew, my life would never be the same, and that was more than okay. 

Two more babies and two miscarriages later, this motherhood thing has had its share of grief, hardship, stress, and left me feeling utterly incapable at times.  Night terrors, nighttime nursing, and sleepwalking resulted in five-ish straight years without a night of uninterrupted sleep.  Seriously.  Not even exaggerating on that one.   My first two babies were each hospitalized at 3 months old, one with a kidney condition that meant she would be on antibiotics until she outgrew it. 

Yeah, this “Mom thing” is hard.  Really hard.  You give up your full-time salary, try to make ends meet. work from home maybe. Find flexible work/ hours. (which means you rarely get to see your husband but at least one of you is home with the kids most of the time.)  On your days off, you go to play dates and feel the judgment from the stay-at-home moms, “oh, that’s so sad you have to work.” Thanks, ‘cause, you know I needed another ride on the guilt roller coaster.  Then you try this “SAHM” thing and wonder where all the “staying” is…ballet, playdates, preschool, appointments, soccer practice, endless errands.  And then comes the judgment from working moms, who assume my days are completely free and I just get to play all day (okay, well, partly, I do now…but for other reasons.)

Anyway, I guess all this to say, YES, it is HARD.  YES, you will feel judged about EVERY decision you make.  But here’s what I have learned.  STOP paying attention to everyone else and what they think.  Does it really matter??  Nope.  Not one bit. Yes, we may have days when we look a little wrinkled and didn't brush our hair; there are days my girls are not dressed appropriately for the weather; there are some days I let them have more snacks than they should; some nights I let them stay up too late, and sometimes they have cereal for dinner.  I hope they will forgive me some day.  ;)  

I will never be the perfect mom (who is?) but I believe I am perfect for my girls.  By some crazy thing called grace, God chose me to be Rachel and Lily and Ella’s mom.  And I absolutely LOVE that I get to be just that. 

I love that I know all their stories, and that they never tire of hearing the silly things they did when they were babies and toddlers.  I love that they are allowed to be mad at me, as long as we talk about it later.  I love that we hug – a LOT.  I love that we sing and dance on a moment’s notice.  I love their imaginations and how our living room has been transformed into a restaurant, a pet adoption center, an academy for their dolls, and a campground, on multiple occasions (Sorry, Rob. Yes, we will clean it up!) I love that they will tell me I am the “best mommy” even when we all know I have failed 10 times that day. And I love how they can make me laugh at the silliest things.  Laughter with my girls = best remedy. 

I love that we share each other’s interests and have a sense of “teamwork” in our house. I love that they still ask me questions - about ANYthing, even the ones I am nervous about answering.  I love that I get to be their Girl Scout leader (and they want me to be).  I love that they are fearless and brave.  Really brave. 

Despite how difficult it is to discipline, to be consistent in it, there is such a reward when you see a behavior change.  They are growing up.  How on earth did that happen?  For all the time I thought change would never come, now it is happening entirely too quickly.

I hope Ella never loses her confidence in her mix-matched sense of style; I hope Lily never loses her “I’m happy to be here” attitude towards life; and I hope Rachel never stops planning for her dreams.

So, sure, I’ve had a few – or a dozen – jobs in my life.  This one – this MOMMY thing – it beats them all.  Hands down.  It’s the hardest job. Ever. But it is also the most rewarding.  And icing on the cake is that I get to share this journey with some pretty amazing friends who also get to be called mom. 

It is all going by too fast, friends.  Be thankful. Every day.  And Hold on!!