Being A Mom

I really had no idea what I was in for.  I mean, sure, I had been longing to be pregnant – for over 2 years we tried.  And then, when it all happened, when I was pregnant, and I first felt her kick inside me, that’s when I knew.  THIS was going to be some ride.  Like nothing I had ever experienced before.

In the hours before I had my first baby, I rocked on a birth ball, my dad painted my toenails, Rob read random facts from the Almanac, and I walked a hundred circles around labor & delivery.  And after 28 hours of labor, and they placed her in my arms, I gasped, “she is so big!”  There are no words that can describe that moment.  A mixture of relief, JOY, anxiousness, love.  If it’s possible for a heart to smile, mine did.  And in a moment I knew, my life would never be the same, and that was more than okay. 

Two more babies and two miscarriages later, this motherhood thing has had its share of grief, hardship, stress, and left me feeling utterly incapable at times.  Night terrors, nighttime nursing, and sleepwalking resulted in five-ish straight years without a night of uninterrupted sleep.  Seriously.  Not even exaggerating on that one.   My first two babies were each hospitalized at 3 months old, one with a kidney condition that meant she would be on antibiotics until she outgrew it. 

Yeah, this “Mom thing” is hard.  Really hard.  You give up your full-time salary, try to make ends meet. work from home maybe. Find flexible work/ hours. (which means you rarely get to see your husband but at least one of you is home with the kids most of the time.)  On your days off, you go to play dates and feel the judgment from the stay-at-home moms, “oh, that’s so sad you have to work.” Thanks, ‘cause, you know I needed another ride on the guilt roller coaster.  Then you try this “SAHM” thing and wonder where all the “staying” is…ballet, playdates, preschool, appointments, soccer practice, endless errands.  And then comes the judgment from working moms, who assume my days are completely free and I just get to play all day (okay, well, partly, I do now…but for other reasons.)

Anyway, I guess all this to say, YES, it is HARD.  YES, you will feel judged about EVERY decision you make.  But here’s what I have learned.  STOP paying attention to everyone else and what they think.  Does it really matter??  Nope.  Not one bit. Yes, we may have days when we look a little wrinkled and didn't brush our hair; there are days my girls are not dressed appropriately for the weather; there are some days I let them have more snacks than they should; some nights I let them stay up too late, and sometimes they have cereal for dinner.  I hope they will forgive me some day.  ;)  

I will never be the perfect mom (who is?) but I believe I am perfect for my girls.  By some crazy thing called grace, God chose me to be Rachel and Lily and Ella’s mom.  And I absolutely LOVE that I get to be just that. 

I love that I know all their stories, and that they never tire of hearing the silly things they did when they were babies and toddlers.  I love that they are allowed to be mad at me, as long as we talk about it later.  I love that we hug – a LOT.  I love that we sing and dance on a moment’s notice.  I love their imaginations and how our living room has been transformed into a restaurant, a pet adoption center, an academy for their dolls, and a campground, on multiple occasions (Sorry, Rob. Yes, we will clean it up!) I love that they will tell me I am the “best mommy” even when we all know I have failed 10 times that day. And I love how they can make me laugh at the silliest things.  Laughter with my girls = best remedy. 

I love that we share each other’s interests and have a sense of “teamwork” in our house. I love that they still ask me questions - about ANYthing, even the ones I am nervous about answering.  I love that I get to be their Girl Scout leader (and they want me to be).  I love that they are fearless and brave.  Really brave. 

Despite how difficult it is to discipline, to be consistent in it, there is such a reward when you see a behavior change.  They are growing up.  How on earth did that happen?  For all the time I thought change would never come, now it is happening entirely too quickly.

I hope Ella never loses her confidence in her mix-matched sense of style; I hope Lily never loses her “I’m happy to be here” attitude towards life; and I hope Rachel never stops planning for her dreams.

So, sure, I’ve had a few – or a dozen – jobs in my life.  This one – this MOMMY thing – it beats them all.  Hands down.  It’s the hardest job. Ever. But it is also the most rewarding.  And icing on the cake is that I get to share this journey with some pretty amazing friends who also get to be called mom. 

It is all going by too fast, friends.  Be thankful. Every day.  And Hold on!!