Being A Mom

I really had no idea what I was in for.  I mean, sure, I had been longing to be pregnant – for over 2 years we tried.  And then, when it all happened, when I was pregnant, and I first felt her kick inside me, that’s when I knew.  THIS was going to be some ride.  Like nothing I had ever experienced before.

In the hours before I had my first baby, I rocked on a birth ball, my dad painted my toenails, Rob read random facts from the Almanac, and I walked a hundred circles around labor & delivery.  And after 28 hours of labor, and they placed her in my arms, I gasped, “she is so big!”  There are no words that can describe that moment.  A mixture of relief, JOY, anxiousness, love.  If it’s possible for a heart to smile, mine did.  And in a moment I knew, my life would never be the same, and that was more than okay. 

Two more babies and two miscarriages later, this motherhood thing has had its share of grief, hardship, stress, and left me feeling utterly incapable at times.  Night terrors, nighttime nursing, and sleepwalking resulted in five-ish straight years without a night of uninterrupted sleep.  Seriously.  Not even exaggerating on that one.   My first two babies were each hospitalized at 3 months old, one with a kidney condition that meant she would be on antibiotics until she outgrew it. 

Yeah, this “Mom thing” is hard.  Really hard.  You give up your full-time salary, try to make ends meet. work from home maybe. Find flexible work/ hours. (which means you rarely get to see your husband but at least one of you is home with the kids most of the time.)  On your days off, you go to play dates and feel the judgment from the stay-at-home moms, “oh, that’s so sad you have to work.” Thanks, ‘cause, you know I needed another ride on the guilt roller coaster.  Then you try this “SAHM” thing and wonder where all the “staying” is…ballet, playdates, preschool, appointments, soccer practice, endless errands.  And then comes the judgment from working moms, who assume my days are completely free and I just get to play all day (okay, well, partly, I do now…but for other reasons.)

Anyway, I guess all this to say, YES, it is HARD.  YES, you will feel judged about EVERY decision you make.  But here’s what I have learned.  STOP paying attention to everyone else and what they think.  Does it really matter??  Nope.  Not one bit. Yes, we may have days when we look a little wrinkled and didn't brush our hair; there are days my girls are not dressed appropriately for the weather; there are some days I let them have more snacks than they should; some nights I let them stay up too late, and sometimes they have cereal for dinner.  I hope they will forgive me some day.  ;)  

I will never be the perfect mom (who is?) but I believe I am perfect for my girls.  By some crazy thing called grace, God chose me to be Rachel and Lily and Ella’s mom.  And I absolutely LOVE that I get to be just that. 

I love that I know all their stories, and that they never tire of hearing the silly things they did when they were babies and toddlers.  I love that they are allowed to be mad at me, as long as we talk about it later.  I love that we hug – a LOT.  I love that we sing and dance on a moment’s notice.  I love their imaginations and how our living room has been transformed into a restaurant, a pet adoption center, an academy for their dolls, and a campground, on multiple occasions (Sorry, Rob. Yes, we will clean it up!) I love that they will tell me I am the “best mommy” even when we all know I have failed 10 times that day. And I love how they can make me laugh at the silliest things.  Laughter with my girls = best remedy. 

I love that we share each other’s interests and have a sense of “teamwork” in our house. I love that they still ask me questions - about ANYthing, even the ones I am nervous about answering.  I love that I get to be their Girl Scout leader (and they want me to be).  I love that they are fearless and brave.  Really brave. 

Despite how difficult it is to discipline, to be consistent in it, there is such a reward when you see a behavior change.  They are growing up.  How on earth did that happen?  For all the time I thought change would never come, now it is happening entirely too quickly.

I hope Ella never loses her confidence in her mix-matched sense of style; I hope Lily never loses her “I’m happy to be here” attitude towards life; and I hope Rachel never stops planning for her dreams.

So, sure, I’ve had a few – or a dozen – jobs in my life.  This one – this MOMMY thing – it beats them all.  Hands down.  It’s the hardest job. Ever. But it is also the most rewarding.  And icing on the cake is that I get to share this journey with some pretty amazing friends who also get to be called mom. 

It is all going by too fast, friends.  Be thankful. Every day.  And Hold on!!

Shamrock Marathon: Who says running isn’t a team sport??

 March 16, 2013 – Shamrock Marathon weekend was finally here.  After months of training and preparing, and a week of obsessing about the weather, we loaded up the car and headed to Virginia Beach for the big event - my first marathon! 

I dozed off and on during the car ride, while listening to my marathon playlist.  Coming off weeks of tapering, I knew I’d be ready to run; yet, I had this nagging doubt.  I had previously *only* run 20 miles, and another 6.2 was a significant chunk.  But, RunnerPeeps’ Coach Andrew insisted that was enough, and that the last 6.2 would be “mental.”  I recalled having this conversation with fellow Peep Ken on a recent run, and he offered, “I suspect that you are both right.”  I kept that in mind, along with the advice from many (Steph, Anastasia, Claire, to name a few) to “have fun.”  To a non- runner that may seem like crazy advice, but it was very important to me.  The hard work was all done – I really did just need to enjoy this marathon.

So we arrived at the Expo at the Virginia Convention Center mid-afternoon.  As I was checking in for the full, my neighbor Kelly Burich was checking in for her half marathon.  We couldn’t have planned the timing better.  We got pictures of our families with the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, checked out some vendors, got our shirts, etc.  It was a pretty good expo, but more crowded than I anticipated, considering I arrived during the last couple hours of a 2 day event.  We headed to our hotel, the Grand Ocean, where the Burich family was also staying.  We went down to the beach and played in the sand for a little while before dinner.  It was a relaxing time, although windy and cold!  We walked to a nearby restaurant, Big Sam’s, as recommended by a friend who is from Virginia Beach.  It was good to stretch my legs during the walk, but while we ate, the rain started, so we called a cab to drive us back to the hotel. 

One last check through all my gear, clothes; made sure I had pins for my race bib, and I was ready for bed.  It would be an early morning.

March 17 – 5:30 am.  I’m up!  Breakfast and get dressed.  COFFEE!!!  The half marathon started at 7 am, while the full didn’t start until 8:30.  I wanted to see Kelly start, so Rob drove Kelly and I to the half marathon starting line (or as close as we could get).  This was Kelly’s 18^th half marathon, and she has run several full marathons as well.  I call her “the enforcer” as she has been known to drag me out of bed on a dark, rainy 37 degree morning for a run.  She says “the training book says you must run in all kinds of weather.”  While I wanted to smack her at the time, I was grateful for her wisdom, especially on this morning, when it was COLD (I don’t think it ever got above mid-40s even by afternoon), WINDY, and threatening rain.  After pictures and “good lucks”, Kelly lined up in her corral, I decided to find my friend Kristie, who was also running the half.  Kristie had run the 8k the previous day.  If you don’t know Kristie, let me tell you, she is just AWESOME!!  She defies stereotypes.  She may not look like the “typical” runner, but she makes these goals and does not give up!!  She found the perfect shirt at the expo, which says “I’m over here doing what everyone said is impossible.”  She rocks!!  I kept her company as her corral waited its turn.  And then she was off!!  Now time for me to find Jill at her hotel.

I welcomed the warmth of the hotel immediately!!  I was praying this cold and wind didn’t keep up all day, and kept telling myself that it would be better when I started running.  Jill had bought “26.2” shamrock temporary tattoos for us, so I quickly placed that on my cheek.  I did one last check of what I would need for the run, and left my dry bag in her hotel room, where I would come back and shower afterward.  We started the 9 block walk to the starting line.  Jill’s parents, sister, nephews, and boyfriend all came along to see her/ us off.  While we waited for our corral to start, we found others who were running their first marathon, and some who were veterans.  To our surprise, the lady who looked like she’d just stepped out of “Hee Haw” claimed to have run a marathon in all 50 states, had completed Disney’s Goofy Challenge (a 5k, half marathon, and full marathon on consecutive days), and said this was her 17^th time running Shamrock full.  WOW!!

And WE’RE OFF!!  Jill and I decided that we would try to run together for at least the first half, and then we’d see how things went.  Neither wanted to hold the other back, but we are well-matched as far as pace, and we had run most of our long training runs together, so it would be a great mental boost to have that familiarity.  We both wanted to complete the marathon in less than 5 hours.  My strategy was to run conservatively during the first half (about 10:30 min/ mile pace and no greater than 11:00 min. mile pace), and then pick up the pace for a faster second half (negative split).  I was determined to not hit the infamous “wall” people talk about after mile 20.  So as we head south on Atlantic Ave., I tell Jill “this is just another long run, right?!”  We can do this!!

About mile 1.5, we pass our hotel.  Rob and the girls are out there cheering runners on, and holding their posters.  I am excited to see them.  Jill and I continue for the next few miles, chatting causally. Jill reminds me to smile for the camera when we run by – I usually don’t notice these things, but that explains why Jill has better race photos than I do.  I begin to warm up, and decide to ditch my gloves about mile 5 (a decision I will later regret.)  Around mile 7, we stop for a bathroom break.  Even with the pit stop, mile 7 clocked in at 12:37.  Not too bad considering we had to wait in line.  As we head back on the bridge over Rundee Inlet (about mile 10), I am trying to think of things to chat about with Jill.  I make the realization that between the two of us, we have lost over 130 pounds.  Wow, we have come a long way…just more confirmation of appreciating the accomplishment and enjoying this race. 

THEN we hit the boardwalk!! The wind is brutal!  My cold hands begin to feel numb.  I know that Rob and the girls will be at mile 11 (on the beach side of our hotel). I start looking for them, and am glad I can see their signs more from this side.  Rachel’s sign said “Worst Parade EVER!” and then she flipped it, “Seriously?!  Where are the floats?”  awesome. It now occurs to me that the girls are still in their PJ pants.  (I find out later, they put them over their jeans because it was so cold.)  I take a brief moment to run over to them and give kisses. It’s such a boost to see my family during a race.  Now, I had another 15 miles to go.  Ugh!  It was so cold!!  I thought it would get better once we turned off the boardwalk, and back onto Atlantic. 

I was wrong.   As we near the halfway point, many half-marathoners are walking along, cheering us on, wrapped in their WARM finishers blanket.  I fight the urge to yank one of them off and wear the rest of the race.  After we cross the 13.1 checkpoint, it’s time for my Clif shot/ gel.  Problem is, my fingers are so numb, I cannot tear the package.  I resort to using my teeth, and quickly suck it down, so I can wrap my thumb back into my shirt.  Miles 14-16, we see the marathon leaders looping back to their miles 23 and 24.  I cheer for a few of them, especially the first woman to run by.  I don’t think I will ever be that fast.

Jill and I are still running together, but not so chatty now.  About mile 17, Jill asks me to tell her a story.  My mind goes blank.  I can’t think of anything to say.  By now, she has heard pretty much all of my stories.  I’ve got nothing.  I ask her what she is listening to on her playlist and tell her what’s on mine (“Thriftshop” – recommended by Claire).  I think I have to go to the bathroom again, so I tell Jill that I’ll run on ahead, and she will catch up to me.  When I get to the next set of port-a-potties, I realize how close I am to the next check-in at 18.1 miles, and decide to keep going.  Mentally, it helps to just get to that next point, and this continues throughout the rest of the race.  These check-in points are posted on my facebook page, and I know some people are checking it, cheering me, and I hear the “bing” of incoming texts spurring me on.  (Although I didn’t check all the texts until after I finished, I knew a few people were sending me encouraging messages as I crossed those mile-markers).   

As I reach mile 19, the urge to go to the bathroom passes, and Eminem’s “Till I Collapse” comes on my playlist.  I immediately think of Kellie (who recommended I include the song), and her story of “crashing” at mile 19 during her first marathon, and her successful 2^nd marathon last month, when she qualified for Boston.  I pick up the pace.  Mile 19 proved to be my fastest mile, with mile 20 not much off that pace, 10:09 and 10:13 respectively.   At mile 21, with 5 miles remaining, I think to myself, “Okay, this is just another Tuesday run with Candace.”  Candace is the one to blame for getting me started with this running thing.  Lately, we’ve been running 5 miles on Tuesdays, at a sub-10 min/ mile pace.  Mentally, I want to pick up my pace to those tempo run levels (9:45-ish) but my legs aren’t quite on board with this plan.  I reconcile myself to just not going any slower!

I focus on taking a mile at a time.  I am actually enjoying myself, and smiling even when there isn’t a camera around.  Now that I don’t have the chit chat with Jill, my music is a great inspiration.  There are songs that are played in boot camp, and make me think of those women and how inspiring they are.  There are songs recommended by other amazing friends (“It’s Time” recommended by Alecia) and songs that remind me of RunnerPeeps (“Good Time” to which Gordy set the Peeps 2012 vide).   For the second or third time, a few sprinkles fell, threatening rain.  Fortunately, the weather stayed dry, just COLD.  I thought about my 14 mile training run in the freezing rain/ sleet/ snow.  Those runs were no longer considered futile.  (and I thought of my friend Janice, who watched my kids during that long miserable run…see, it takes a village).  I think about my RunnerPeep friend Mimi, who was running her marathon the same day – in Rome!  I was jealous she was done by now. 

Mile 23 and my big toe that has been hurting since mile 20 starts bothering me even more.  I contemplate walking for a while, maybe taking some of the snacks offered at aid stations (pretzels, bananas, even beer).   But stronger than that desire was my desire for this thing to be OVER.  I wanted to be done so I could get out of these shoes.  Knowing I still had a Clif shot left if I needed it, I by-passed the snacks and kept going. 

Mile 24.  Okay, just 2 more.  Equivalent to one lap around Shelley Lake.  Easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy. (as Ella says).  I got this.  Mile 25 was a bit slower (11:16) and I was certain the temperature was dropping now.  Or maybe it was just that I was getting closer to the beach, and that 15 mph wind was picking up. 

Homestretch.  So close.  Beautiful stretch down the boardwalk. I see Rob and the girls near the finish line.  I want to sprint to the finish, but only manage a 9:38 pace.  It’ll have to do.  I smile and blow a kiss to Rob and the girls as I run by.

DONE!!!  I thought I would have more of an emotional response.  More or less, I was just glad to be done.  I was still cold, and wanted that finishers blanket pronto!  After wrapping it around me, and grabbing some water, banana, and pretzels, I turn around to look for Jill.  She couldn’t be far behind.  Evidently, this was the moment I felt my legs cramp up, and my thighs could no longer move.  Apparently my face grimaced, and some nearby volunteer called out to me, “Smile!  You just finished a marathon!”  I wanted to smack her. 

I didn’t see Jill coming, and I now remembered having to go to the bathroom.  I hobbled to the end of the shoot, threw my food and finishers loot at my girls (who were starving and ate my pretzels!), and headed for the lines of port-a-johns.  While in the finishers’ “party tent”, I saw Jill cross the finish line on the big screen.  Yay!!  We texted, considered meeting up on the beach, but decided we were both too cold and we’d head back to the hotel. 

That 9-block walk back seemed like forever!!  But moments after sitting down in the WARM lobby, I was greeted by Kristie.  She had stayed around to congratulate Jill and I.  Then I read all the texts and facebook messages of support.  YUP, running is definitely a TEAM sport!!!

Official finishing time: 4:44:16. (and negative split by 4 minutes).

More Than A Conqueror (Why I have already won...my pre-race report)

As most are aware (some more keenly aware than they’d like), I am running my first full marathon on Sunday, March 17…that’s 26.2 miles, baby!  It is definitely intimidating, but I am not one to shy away from things that scare me. 

See, when I was in college, there were three fears I had, as I headed into “the real world”.  1. Getting fat, 2. being financially unstable, and 3. a loved one getting cancer. 

I know you are probably thinking…really?  “Getting Fat” – that’s easy – just exercise and eat well. Sure, we all know that, but it is really hard.  Especially when you it’s your last year of college, you are engaged, planning a wedding out of town, your fiancé is 5 hours ways, you are taking 21 and 24 credit hours per semester (respectively), applying to grad schools, and trying to figure out where you are going to live in a few months.  Okay, so you get the picture…I’m wired this way.  I’ve always done “too much”.  So, the weight crept on, and on and on…until I had to face those other fears, too, and then it was too much for me to handle.  So, God handled it.

And God being God, made me face each one of those fears….face to face. Up close and personal. Using it to change me into who I was created to be.  And you know what happens when you face your fears?  When you realize that you’ve made it through and someone (or some people) have held you and carried you through it?  Well, for one thing, you have scars.  But these scars are beautiful because they are a reminder that you’re still alive – you still have purpose.  They are an Ebenezer *.  And, there is freedom in facing your fears.  Because now…I don’t fear anything.  I know that whatever comes, whatever trial, whatever challenge, I can withstand it.  Not through my own strength, but through Christ’s and through those that he brings along side of me to encourage me on the journey.

The most pivotal years of my life, when all of this facing of fears came to a head, happened to coincide with Ella’s first 2 years of life.  It strikes me that she is my spirited child, having endured these hardships with me, in sorts, in her early years of development.  I KNOW that she will be one that can change the world, if only her spirit is guided in the right way.  She’s a mirror of my emotions (good and bad) from the time she was born. 

So, let me break it down like this…certain “life events” are defined as “stressors”.  Not all are bad – such as a birth or new job – but they are transitions that cause some degree of upheaval, stress, and what-not.  Some, are obviously bad – health concerns, job loss, death.  In a two year peiod,  Summer of 2007 to Summer of 2009, I had over TWENTY “life events” or “stressors”.  I don’t make a point of this for pity’s sake.  But, so that you know the reality of what I went through and how it turned out.  Here are most of these events:

• Finish certification process to become birth doula
• Best friend going through awful divorce
• Said friend and her 5 yr. old son move in with us during my 9^th month of pregnancy with 3^rd child
• 3^rd child born – Eleanor Rose
• Transition to working from home
• Dad diagnosed with aggressive brain cancer
• Oldest child, Rachel begins Kindergarten (we all are learning about “school life”)
• Dad undergoes surgery, treatments
• Host dad and family during time of surgery, recovery, treatment
• Multiple trips to see Dad, especially during final 5 weeks, on Hospice
• Dad dies
• Back to work a week later – have to make up lost time and work 50-70 hr/wk (normally 20 hr/ wk)
• Have to sell Mom’s house – clean out Mom’s house ; garage sale, house on market, with 3 kids in tow
• Family Discord
• Decide to quit job, and work on developing birth doula business
• Find out I’m pregnant – not planned, and mixed emotions, finally excited about it
• Miscarriage (my 2^nd one)
• Mom sells house
• Mom has to move in with us
• Construction begins on home renovations/ additions with 3 generations under one roof
• Find lump in breast – undergo ultrasounds and mammogram.  Thankfully, negative.

During this time, I went from losing my baby weight, and walking regularly (with double jogging stroller), to gaining almost 50 pounds in a year.   I didn’t know where to start with making changes.  It was too daunting a task.  I remember the day after Thanksgiving 2008, complaining to Rob that I was too fat and how much I hated it!  In what was not one of his finest moments (or was it?), he said bluntly, “ Well, get off your a$$ and start moving.” (okay, maybe he didn’t say it exactly that way, but that is what I heard.)  I stormed out of the  house, and ran.  I was going to show him.  So, I made it to the end of the street (we’re the second house in), and ran out of breath.  I kept a fast walking pace, not knowing where I was going. 

I ended up at a nearby park.  I sat under a tree for nearly an hour.  This was the first time I remembered being alone since my dad had died, 8 months prior.  I finally had a moment to grieve.  I cried. A lot.  Which is rare for me.  I realized something:  As it turned out, I didn’t just hate being fat, I hated me.  I was a miserable person. I am sure I made things difficult  for everyone around me.

This realization didn’t change things automatically.  But it was a start.  A seed was planted.  I knew I at least wanted to get out of this hole I was in.  Something had to be done.

Well, as things went, it would be 2 more years before everything clicked.  I was finally faced with a decision…what did I want for Christmas (2010)???  You can read my previous post to know how that went.  How I started my journey to getting healthy. 

When I look back, there are several events that are too important to be considered coincidence.  Step one in getting me through all of this was the Lord’s hand in where we ended up with a church family.  A year prior to all of this, we were living in Raleigh and going to church in Durham (45 min. away) - where we had previously lived.  It was a HUGE decision to leave that church, and find a new one.  I admit, I was skeptical that we’d find a good one.  We “happened” upon Redeemer Church.  During these months and years of trials, I can honestly say that I literally felt the Lord’s presence with me through these people.  THAT is what the church is about – not a building, but the PEOPLE, coming along side each other.  They literally shared in my burdens and carried me through that time.  It was soon after my Dad died that I joined the music team, singing on a rotating basis for Sunday morning worship.  I cannot begin to explain how integral this was to the healing and growing that needed to happen within.  See, when I am singing on Sunday morning, I feel the closest to my Dad.  He was a Pastor, and he LOVED some of these songs we sing.  Not only that, but some of the songs talk of heaven, and those saints that go before us there.  I imagine that at that very moment I am singing, my Dad is doing the same exact thing.  Singing praises to our God.  We have that unity, although he is gone from this earth.

The other amazing thing about this church I call “Family” is that they pray.  And I don’t just mean wishes and hopes and holding you to the light.  They PRAY as I have never been witness to.  So, when I decided to take on this “exercise and getting healthy” thing, I asked a few to pray.  That I would be motivated, that I would stick with it.  That I would change.

And they did.  And I did. 

So, this running a marathon thing…it isn’t about me.  It’s about a work that has been done in me and through me.  It’s about those that have been with me on this journey. 

When I run, I usually have a playlist of songs that inspire me.  There are some songs on that list that remind me of specific people, or groups of people.  There are songs that we hear in boot camp – those women have been right there with me in this “fight” to be fit and healthy; there are songs that make me think of my RunnerPeeps friends; there are songs that make me think of some in my church family.  Each one of these people is with me on my run – giving strength and encouragement with every stride. 

And I know my Dad is looking down, too. (If I get to heaven and realize this isn’t, in fact, true, I won’t care at that point.)  Today, when going through itunes in preparing my Marathon Playlist, I came across a song that I listened to a lot when my Dad was dying.  I have not listened to it in a few years (unintentionally).  It’s a song called “Just a Little” by Leigh Nash (by the way, she is one of my most favorite voices, and I listened to her a lot during my labor with Ella).  The whole song is wonderful, but there is a line that says, “Love breaks your heart, to teach you to be strong. I die just a little, so I can live a little bit more.”

I think that sums things up for me.  March 30 marks the 5^th Anniversary of my Dad’s death.  My heart was broken.  But, I have learned that it CAN heal, and it can be strong.  I can die to things of this world and of myself, to truly live.  And I hope, for my girls’ sake, that I live a little bit more.

PS – that 3^rd fear about finances…yeah, faced that one too.  But the story is still being written.  Stay tuned. 

What do you want for Christmas?

There it is.  THAT is the moment when I decided things needed to change.  I actually knew I needed a change long before this picture was taken, but NOW I was ready.

So, this is me – correction, WAS me…two years ago.  Having feasted on a huge Thanksgiving meal, plus wine, plus desserts.  And although it was a happy day, and I was celebrating with my friends and family, deep down, I was a sad, miserable person.  I didn’t want to be like this anymore. 

A few days after Thanksgiving, the obligatory question came – “What do you want for Christmas??”  Well, if I was honest, I really didn’t want anything.  I didn’t want new “fat” clothes.  I knew the ones I wore were getting a bit snug, but I REFUSED to buy anything bigger than a size 20W. I mean, seriously, how had I gotten to this point?  (that’s another story).  I didn’t want jewelry or shoes or cooking appliances or just more “stuff”.  I had enough of that…it’s just more things to take care of.  

I made a decision.  I decided I wanted my health.  I wanted to be here for my kids as long as possible; I wanted to feel more energetic; I wanted to not have to take  daily steroid inhaler to be able to breathe; I wanted to run again.

So that was it.  I told Rob that for Christmas, I wanted to sign up for Boot Camp. I had heard a neighbor mention this “Triangle Adventure Boot Camp” in the area, so I decided to look it up and find out more.  One of the issues for me in getting back in shape was going to be when to fit it in.  This boot camp meets at 5:30 AM.  Perfect!!  I can sneak out and get my workout done before the girls are awake.  It’s a bit pricey, but I was convinced this would be THE thing to motivate me, so I had to make it work!  Perfect timing with Christmas…so I requested that this be the only thing I got that year.  From my in-laws, from Rob, etc.  This was going to be it!!  Beginning January 2011, I was going to lose weight, get healthy, and start running again. 

And then I had to take it one step further…

At a New Year’s party, just days before my journey began, I had to open my big mouth (aided by some drinks, I am sure.)  It’s one to think something, but saying it out loud makes you more accountable.  I was talking to one of my friends who I knew was a runner.  I told her right then, that I was going to run a half marathon for my 35^th birthday – 10 months away.  She looks at me – all 225 pounds of me -cautiously, and then says “okay, I will run it with you.”  CRAP!  Now, I have to do this thing.  I couldn’t even run a quarter mile, much less 13.1.

And so, that is how it began…January 3, 2011, I woke up at 4:45 AM and started this “boot camp” thing…there’s a lot more to the story, and there is not an end yet.  But I can tell you this…. Here I am, 2 years later – happy and healthy – having completed my 3^rd half marathon. 

The story continues.   I hope to fill in the missing pieces soon. There are certainly a lot of ups and downs, struggles and triumphs.  Mostly, it’s a story of perseverance and finding strength that is not my own.   It’s about losing yourself to find yourself, and seeing what you are really capable of when you let go and believe.

But for now, I will get up tomorrow morning at 4:45 AM, go to boot camp, and at some point, run a few miles.  Tomorrow I start training for my first FULL marathon.  Yup, 26.2 miles of crazy!  I am pumped!!

PS - and if you want to know how my 35th birthday turned out, and that friend that said she'd run with me, read previous post.  (yes, from a year ago!)

City of Oaks Half-Marathon

After a 3 year hiatus, I am back to blogging. I'll get back to the girls after a couple posts, but here is one about running my first half-marathon.

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I couldn’t believe the race was finally here...13.1 miles. I had been preparing for 10 months for this, and now the moment was upon me. I had some questions and doubts, but mostly, I was excited…butterflies in my stomach wanting to jump out and get this thing started. I have heard that when running your first half (or full) marathon, your goal should be finishing. Period. Not finishing in a certain time, just finishing. Well, anyone that knows me, knows that wasn’t going to be good enough. Of course I had to set a goal…I set out to finish this race in “under 2 ½ hours”.

The day before the race, I (finally) made my music mix. It contained most of the songs from my 5k mix, but of course I needed a lot more songs – 4 times as many! As it always had been, music would be crucial to my success in running the race. I then received a call from my friend, Candace. An experienced runner, Candace would not be running City of Oaks this year, but said she would be at the water station at mile 9, and would run with me for a while, if I wanted her to. Of course, I said yes, thinking that I would need some encouragement at that point. I agonize a little more about my attire for the race…more layers, less layers? shorts or capri length? If I wear the shorts, I’ll have an extra pocket… Do I take my phone along in my pocket? My inhaler?

November 6, 2011. I didn’t sleep well enough, but I was up by 5:15 AM, and on my way to arrive at Mary Jane’s at 6 AM. My friend Mary Jane and her mom were going to walk/ run the half marathon. Our friend Tricia met us early to follow behind us and start the race together. Tricia had just completed the Boston half marathon a few weeks earlier. As we drove toward downtown Raleigh, 2 thoughts were on my mind – one, I wouldn’t run on-pace with either of these friends, but I fell somewhere in the middle. Second, I felt incredibly blessed by these friends (and my extended Lynn Rd. family) as I would have never known either of them if we had not transferred to Lynn Rd. Elementary. See, Tricia was the 1^st grade teacher for mine and Mary Jane’s oldests…I am so thankful to have them as friends, and supporters in this race. We arrive and park at Cameron Village. We walk the short distance to the starting line at the NC State Bell Tower. Along the way, we make the necessary stop at the long line of port-a-johns. It is interesting to note the range of attire amongst the runners, and I am willing to bet that I was not the only one agonizing the night before. Everything from long pants and fleece jackets to shorts and tanks tops was seen, as well as a few that added some embellishments, such as pink tutus and a couple in matching “Where’s Waldo?” hats and shirts. As we approach the starting line, Tricia and I say our “good-byes” and “good lucks!” to Mary Jane and her mom. They head toward the back of the crowd, and I stay near the front with Tricia. I know I won’t be able to keep up with her but I figure that it will be nice to start together.

A few minutes later, we’re off. GO! Within about 55 seconds, Tricia fades into the crowds and I lose sight of her. I continue down Hillsborough St., and turn onto Ashe. I quickly realize that I have started too near the front, as runners whizz by me. But, I don’t care. My music energizes me, and I see friends, Ben and Kelty up ahead. They live 2 houses off Ashe, and have come out with their baby in a sling, to cheer on the runners. I spot Ben first, in his camo uniform, and then Kelty and Henry. I wave and keep going.

Candace had helped me with my training plan, and so I asked about the strategy for running the half…how often should I stop and walk (I obviously can’t run the entire 13 miles, right??) She says to walk through the water breaks. Okay. I can do that. Water breaks are about every 2 miles. So, I have gotten to about 1.5 miles, and I am burning up! I strip off my long sleeve layer and throw it on the side of the road (per my runner friends, this is what you do). I still feel hesitant, and since there is a cop watching nearby, I wait to chuck my shirt a little further down Western Blvd. First water break is right around the corner and I am feeling good.

I continue the run up a slight hill, through Boylan Heights and into downtown. It’s a beautiful day outside, and I feel alive. After completing a little over 3 miles, I notice the “2:15” pace group pass me. I was little surprised that I had been running faster than “2:15” up until this point, but also encouraged about my goal of “2:30”. I was on track. Miles 4 and 5 passed by uneventfully. About mile marker 5, one of Rob’s co-workers, Karen, was volunteering and cheering runners on. It was encouraging to hear someone cheer me on by name. Now I faced the big hill, up Glenwood Ave. (well, it looked big at the time). Good music kept me pumped up, and when I reached the top, and turned onto Peace, I realized the incline was not leveling off just yet. Almost as if on cue, “Eye of the Tiger” came on the iPod. I could do anything at this point. I kept going towards Cameron Village, knowing that I would see Rob and the girls, cheering me on, soon. As I approached, I kept searching and searching. Where were they? The 10k finish line was to the left, so maybe they’d be on the right. No, still not there. Okay, water break…I’ll walk through this and then find them. I just started running again when I saw them up on the right. Rob runs out beside me for a minute, takes some pictures, and runs back to the sidewalk. I turn back to look at the girls…they are blowing kisses and I blow some back. Yay! My family is there. I will see them at the finish line.

The next 2 miles are probably the hardest of the course. Still a bit hilly, and I am getting tired. I don’t know if I can make it to the next water station before a walking break. I decide to walk for about 30 seconds before starting again. Weird thing is that my hips hurt more on the restart. Maybe stopping and starting is not a good thing. Up ahead I see what I *think* is mile 9 water station. Yay! Candace will be there. I search and search, but I don’t see her. I keep running, and after I pass the table, I realize that not only was Candace not there, but I forgot to get water. Shoot! I am now heading down Hillsborough St., under the 440 beltline, with nothing ahead but boring terrain. I approach mile 9, feeling a bit defeated and hips starting to feel quite sore. I slow down to a slight jog, and then see 2 people literally BOUNDING across the median from the other side of the road, waving their arms. It’s Candace and another good friend, Christine. Hallelujah! Just the encouragement I needed. They quickly come along side me and start running. I told them I missed water the last time (which was mile 8.5) and Candace grabs some for me at the next station (mile 9.5). We run to the turn-around at the fairgrounds and start heading back down Hillsborough.

At this point, I have turned my iPod volume down a bit. Christine’s chatter is a good distraction from the hip pain and how much further I have to go. Mile 10. Okay, a 5k left – I can do this. Candace is paying attention to my breathing, encouraging me to take deeper breaths and telling me to breath slower every few breaths. We continue like this for a while, and I am a bit surprised they have stayed with me as long as they have. It dawns on me that, just like I support women in childbirth as a doula, they are my “running doulas” - providing encouragement, distraction, and supporting me to finish the race.

I see the sign for mile marker 13. So close. Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter” comes on the iPod (yes, a bit cheesy, but it was played in boot camp, and reminds me of how much I have pushed myself thus far). I turn up the iPod and start my sprint to the finish. Christine and Candace started slowing down, allowing me to go through the shoot at the finish on my own. As I approach, I am wildly searching for Rob, the girls, my mom. Where are they?? Aren’t they going to see me finish?? As I approach the shoot on the right side of the street for half-marathon runners, lots of bells and whistle start going off. What is going on?? At the same time I cross the finish line, the first full-marathon runner enters the shoot on the left. Wow, he’s twice as fast as me!! I quickly receive my medal, am adorned with a silver Mylar blanket (for warmth), and before I know it, Christine has her arms around me, tears streaming down her face. Her excitement and emotions make me start to grasp the moment and I tear up. I’ve done it!! I completed a half-marathon! And just ten months ago I could not even run! WOW!!! So, where is my family?

I still don’t spot Rob and the girls. I remember my phone in my pocket (one benefit of a “dumb” flip-phone – its small size), and call Rob. “Where are you? I’m done!” Rob, “What? You finished? We missed you?” Once we reunite, all is explained. They were right there at the bell tower. The girls were playing . According to my pace at the 10k mark, race predictions were that I would finish about “2:40”. So, Rob let the girls play and then they got over by the course about “2:30” to watch for me. I scolded Rob, “Don’t you know me? I SAID I was going to finish UNDER 2:30”. Official finishing time: 2:28:55.

Merry Christmas!!

Here's a few pictures from the past month. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Christmas Card Family Picture

Waiting to see the neighborhood Santa while dropping off food for the needy.

Ella is not sure what to think of this Santa with his beard falling off.

Walking home from seeing Santa.

Neighbor Jan invited Lily and Rachel over to decorate a Gingerbread house.

The finished product!!

Rachel's Brownie troop walked in the Wake Forest Christmas Parade...here she is waiting for the parade to start with a couple fellow Brownies.

Rachel's cheering section...including 2 of my sisters, Elaine and Crista. My mom was also there, but was taking the picture.

It's hard to see Rachel, but she is right in the middle of this picture...red sleeves.

Rob and I at our church Christmas dinner/ concert.

My decorated table for Redeemer's Christmas dinner.

Rachel invited some school friends over to decorate cookies!

Lily decorates cookies with her 2 "best buds" - Caroline and William

Sporting new reversible vests from Great Grandmommy, while waiting for sleigh ride.

Horse that pulled sleigh. Rachel was excited to sit up front with the driver.

On a sleigh ride.

Our girls with Laster girls - Caroline and Catie - at Kanki....our 3rd time celebrating Christmas with the Lasters at Kanki. The first time we went, Lily and Caroline were in utero. We filled up the entire table this time.

Sweet sisters during our Christmas movie marathon.

Christmas eve - we let the girls open one present each...their Christmas PJs. Rachel had requested that they have some with feet in them. Lily and Ella try theirs on here.

I'm finally done playing Santa, and the stocking holders won't hold the filled stockings.

A close up of what Santa brought...Diamond Castle Barbies.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

We love you!

Christmas Letter 2008

Dear Friends and Family,
“Indeed, in our hearts we have felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our HOPE that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. “ 2 Corinthians 1:9-11.

I realize this may be an odd way to start a Christmas letter, but it really sums up our year. In past letters, I have often talked about the changes going on in the Chapman family, but this year I wanted to focus on the constant thing in our lives that has held us up. It has been a difficult year, with loosing my Dad to brain cancer in March (just 7 months after his diagnosis). Our constant has been Christ alone. We continue to hope in him as our deliverer, knowing that he does not spare us from hard times, but he is with us in those troubles (Psalm 91:15). We have seen him work through his people, the body of Christ, and we are so thankful for your prayers on our behalf. They have kept us going more than you may realize. So, as we approach the celebration of his birth, we give praise to God for the coming of Christ, the hope that he will continue to sustain us, and the promise of being with him for eternity.

Of course the other “constants” in our lives are our three wonderful daughters, who are more than willing to keep us grounded in reality. J

Rachel took another semester of dance in the Spring and was so glad to dance to the “Nutcracker Suite” for her performance – it’s been one of her favorites (thanks to Grandaddy Chapman) since she was 2. Rachel turned 6 in August and invited a few friends to go horseback riding to celebrate. She LOVES horses!! A few days later, Rachel started 1st grade at Lynn Rd. Elementary, and again we have been blessed with a great teacher for her. Although she didn’t have anyone in her 1st grade class from her K class last year, she was not fazed by it at all, as she told us who all the other kids were and which K class they were in last year. Apparently, she knows everyone in her grade (about 100 kids) – sounds a bit like her Papa. J Rachel was excited to play soccer this fall, after hearing about how much her Daddy played growing up. She really improved over the season, and will play again in the Spring. Rachel also began Girl Scouts, as a Brownie, in September. She has already had her first overnight camp out, where she learned to fish and canoe. Most recently, Rachel has told us she wants to be a “Rock Star” when she grows up, and she loves to practice her performances.

Lily is still our silly girl. She could probably be a comedian when she grows up with all the one-liners she comes up with. And she is always doing silly things. For instance, she wore a beaded necklace around her shoulders, hanging down under her arms and around her back for a week, saying quite seriously that it was her “backpack”. Lily turned 3 in April, but is already planning her birthday parties for when she turns 4 and 5. J Lily also took dance class in the Spring and loved it. She is taking a break from dancing right now, as she just started preschool in September. She is in class 2 days a week, with her 2 best friends, who also go to our church. She has loved getting to know other kids as well. Everywhere we go, Lily can be heard singing; sometimes she sings real songs, and at other times, she just makes up her own words. I love that she always has a song in her heart. Most of the time, she is still our “flower child” and floats along with whatever we are doing.

Ella turned 1 in July, and is doing things her own way. Once she finally figured out crawling (if you can call scooting on your bottom with one leg in front “crawling”), she didn’t waste any time, and was walking before her first birthday. She is definitely our spunky one, and not only tries to keep up with her sisters, but is determined to compete with them as well. She holds her own, whether it is “fighting” for toys or food – often opening the cabinets to get the snack she wants. While she has been saying a few words for months, she has recently started saying a whole lot more, including calling Lily “Ella”. I guess we can’t blame her since we can’t call our kids the right names half the time. J Ella enjoys being outside whenever possible, even if that means dragging “greeny” (her little blanket my sister Crista made) through the dirt. She doesn’t go anywhere without her “nee nee.” With her darker hair and curls in the back, she has her own look, and her own little personality to match. We enjoy her sweet little hugs and kisses for all her family.

Rob continues to work at NCSU’s McKimmon Center. He has enjoyed having some new challenges with developing online courses, editing/ producing promotional DVDs, and other “IT” projects. This is Rob’s ninth year working part time for CanesVision, the production crew, or “Jumbotron Team”, for sporting events at the RBC Center, including Carolina Hurricanes Hockey, NC State University Football, and NC State Basketball. For at least the 3rd time, Rob was recently given the “Team Spirit” award. When he is not working, Rob loves spending time with family – he is such a good Daddy to our girls, and is the calm voice among the frequent “drama” in the house. He has also enjoyed being the assistant coach for Rachel’s soccer team.

I, (Becky), ended my job at UNC’s Center for Development and Learning in August, so that I could be at home more with the girls. Between taking the girls to school and preschool, soccer games, Girls Scouts, volunteering at Rachel’s school, Moms in Touch, Bible Study, WIC Council (Women in the Church), singing on worship team, volunteering at Wake Med and developing my doula business, I have quickly filled my schedule, but I have loved every minute of it!! I have found such joy and comfort through song in the months since my Dad passed; I especially feel a closeness with him when worshipping in church on Sunday mornings. One of my favorite songs that alludes to this is by Jars of Clay; their song “Let us Love and Sing and Wonder” says:

Let us praise and join the chorusOf the saints enthroned on highHere they trusted him before usNow their praises fill the sky

I love the image that we are joining with my Dad, my sister Leah, my grandparents, and all that have gone before us, as they praise and worship our Heavenly Father. What a comfort to know we will be reunited with them one day.

A few other family highlights from our year…
In early March, a week after my Dad went under the care of hospice, our entire family (17 of us at the time), took a trip to the mountains of Boone for a few days. It was such a nice time, especially as we have loved taking family trips there for several years (and Boone is where I went to college). Of course we had to take a trip into Blowing Rock for the famous Kilwins’ ice cream – my Dad’s favorite!! Rob, the girls and I spent every weekend in March in Huntersville. We are so thankful to the Fuseliers (my parents’ sweet friends, and now ours) for letting all 5 of us stay with them every time. This was also a special time of visiting with many family friends who had also come to see my Dad. A few weeks later, we were all together again at my parents house to celebrate Easter. This was the last time we would all be together.

In April, we participated in the “Angels Among Us” 5K/ Family Walk to raise money for the Brain Tumor Center at Duke, where my Dad had his surgery and received treatment. Although it was just a few weeks after my Dad had died, it was a great experience to be involved in this great cause. Our team “Helton’s HOPE” plans to participate again in April 2009.

In May, along with Rob’s parents and sister, we went to Disney World. It was a wonderful trip, although not really “relaxing” vacation, since we tried to cram so much into just a few days. Of course the girls all loved seeing their favorite Disney characters, and it was nice to get away for a little while. We were able to visit with some of my Mom’s family in Tallahassee on the drive down to Orlando.

In September, all 3 girls were flower girls in a wedding in Atlanta. The bride, Audrey, is the daughter of long time family friends, the Mendozas. Had my Dad still been with us, he would’ve officiated the wedding. Although he wasn’t, Audrey still wanted to have part of the Helton family in the wedding – we were honored. Lily threw petals down the aisle, while Rachel pulled Ella in a wagon. They were simply adorable and did a great job!! After the wedding, we headed up to Chattanooga/ Signal Mountain to visit with Rob’s grandmother. It was a special time with her, as well as Rob’s cousin Sara Merkle and her family. We were also able to see college friends, the Scotts, and their newborn baby, who they adopted in July.


In reflecting on my Dad’s life, I think my brother-in-law Daryl summed it up well, when speaking at the funeral. “He loved God. He loved People. In that order.” What a legacy he leaves!! I often wonder if I will be able to teach my girls the things that were most important to my Dad. Last week, I was full of pride when Rachel and I had a discussion about sharing the news of Christ. She said, “That’s why Papa went all over the world. To tell people everywhere about God. He loved God so much that he wanted everyone to know about him.” What else can you ask for?? J Well, Rachel had another comment to add to that….”I think I know why Papa loved God so much…because he made ice cream!!” Yup, that’s my Dad’s legacy – He loved God. He loved people. And he loved ice cream.

We are so blessed by all of you – not only your friendship, but your prayers, and your graciousness to serve us this year. We pray that you receive God’s richest blessings this Christmas season and all year long. May he be your constant as well.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Much love,
Becky